Continuing my trend of offending every Asian ethnic group, today I turn to the Chinese. Here are thirteen ways you can tell if that groovy Asian dude or chick is from China.
1. When a non-Chinese person sees a majestic bird flying through the air, he will think to himself, “I wish I could soar like that majestic bird.” When a Chinese person sees the same bird, he will think to himself, “I wonder how that bird will taste with oyster sauce and bok choy?”
2. They will claim that everything was invented and/or stolen from the Chinese. Examples: “Thomas Edison didn’t invent the light bulb. He stole it from the Chinese.” or “Ronald McDonald didn’t invent the Happy Meal. He stole it from the Chinese.”
3. They are the only people on the planet who see no contradiction with being both a communist and a capitalist.
4. When a Chinese guy wants to impress a chick, he will claim to be the dude who bravely stood in front of a column of tanks at Tiananmen.
5. When a Chinese chick wants to impress a guy, she will ask for permission before she steals takes his credit card to go on an extended shopping spree.
6. An hour after the school bully beats up the nerdy Chinese kid, he’ll want to beat him up again.
7. Instead of using the phrase “there’s a chink in the armor,” they will say “there’s a honky in the armor.”
8. When they want white people to think they are deep and intelligent, they will preface everything they say with the phrase “Confucius says.” As in “Confucius says life is but a dream” or “Confucius says we should have In-N-Out for lunch.”
9. They can win every argument or disagreement by simply saying, “well, a billion Chinese can’t be wrong, can they?”
10. When the waiter brings the bill after dinner, they will disappear into the bathroom and only return after someone else has paid the check.
11. They are asexual and never seem to fuck, yet there are more Chinese on earth than any other people.
12. When they invite you to visit their childhood home, it turns out to be a sweatshop.
13. When they offer you a carbonated beverage to drink, there is a good chance there will be urine in it because they’re Chinese, they play jokes and they will put pee pee in your Coke.