I’m sure some of our readers are not Asian, but sincerely want to know what makes all the different Asian ethnic groups unique. Periodically, I’ll write about how each ethnic group is distinct. Today, I start with our Pinoy and Pinay brothers and sisters—the Filipino Americans. You’d think it’d be simple to tell Filipinos apart from other Asians because they tend to be physically darker in complexion, but you could easily be fooled. That person you think is Filipino might actually be a really tan Korean from Jeju Island or a Mexican. But here are thirteen things that are pretty good tip-offs that the groovy dude and/or chick you’re hanging with is Filipino:
1. They will break out into song and dance often and for no reason.
2. When a group of Filipinos gather, even if they are all meeting for the first time, they will break out into a perfectly choreographed musical number–usually to an early ’80s Michael Jackson song (for examples, see my fellow Offender Anderson’s previous posts here and here).
3. They’re the only Asians who suck at math.
4. Unlike other Asian American men, Pinoys have average to above-average size penises (or penii) and have no issues about feeling emasculated by the white man because Filipinos consider themselves to be bad ass pimps!
5. They’re the only Asians who are totally fine if a son or daughter turns out to be gay. In fact, they’d be disappointed if at least one of their children didn’t turn out to be homosexual.
6. When they come over and ask if you have anything to eat, your dog will suddenly freak out and run away (in all fairness, this can also happen in the presence of a Korean).
7. They work as a nurse at Kaiser Permanente.
8. They have appeared on both “America’s Best Dance Crew” and “So You Think You Can Dance.” In the same season.
9. They have a brother who works in the sex industry. As a female prostitute.
10. They have been mistaken as a Mexican and deported across the border. Twice.
11. They know all the words to the song “A Whole New World.” In English, Tagalog and even Spanish if they have been previously deported to Mexico (see #10).
12. They are related to someone who once sold a pair of shoes to Imelda Marcos.
13. They are fans of Rob Schneider.