Sometimes I wish I had been born gay or a straight chick (well, actually being a bi-chick might be more enjoyable) so I could be attracted to men. I get guys. I get what they want. I get what they are. Life would be so much simpler. As Roger hinted in his post yesterday, we’re a lot simpler than our female counterparts. Unfortunately, God has dealt me a rotten hand by making me heterosexual, but I can fantasize, right? So if I were forced to pick ten guys I’d do, the following would be it.
One note: you may notice an overall absence of Asian American men on this list. That’s not because I have a taste for the white meat, but because I’m choosing not to include guys I know personally thus eliminating many of my brothas. So you won’t see hunks like John Cho or Daniel Dae Kim or Sung or Roger here. I think it would create an awkward situation if I chose one of them over another. I wouldn’t want there to be weird tension springing from the fact that I’m sexually favoring another guy more. However, as you will see as you read this, I have made one exception to this rule, but I think you’ll agree that I can’t be faulted for that choice.
So in no particular order:
1. CAPTAIN JEAN LUC PICARD
My college roommate loved Star Trek: The Next Generation. He tried to get me into it, but I didn’t want to get sucked into the sci-fi geekdom that I spent so much time gleefully ostracizing. But as it turned out, resistance was futile. One night, we smoked a fat bowl and I found myself glued to the TV watching the episode where Captain Picard turns into an evil Borg and it was fucking awesome! What made the show for me was Patrick Stewart’s portrayal of the Captain who was the coolest motherfucka in the galaxy. If I had to fuck the Captain, it would definitely have to be on the bridge of the Enterprise while the android Data carefully observes as part of his ongoing effort to study human behavior. Phasers set to stunning, thrusters at maximum power…Engage! Warp factor WOW! Make it so, Number One!
2. DENZEL WASHINGTON
You just know Denzel’s going to be the type of lover who will light candles, throw rose petals on your bed, give you a foot massage and draw a bath for you. Sometimes a guy just wants to be pampered—you want a sensitive lover who will ask how your day was and tell you how special you are before making sweet, gentle love to you while Barry White plays at an acceptable but not overpowering volume on your stereo. You want a guy who will ask for your permission before he climaxes and spews his love seed all over you and hold you tenderly for the rest of the night. On these occasions, I suspect Denzel is your man.
3. DANIEL HENNEY
OK, I have to admit I really don’t know much about this guy. According to Wikipedia, he’s the hapa Korean American dude who went to Korea and became a big star and heartthrob all over Asia. This year, he returned to the U.S. and got a shot at Hollywood with his role as Agent Zero in Wolverine: Origins and as a part of the cast for the new TV series Three Rivers. I admit the dude is good-looking. Hell, I tried to find a bad photo of him on the ‘net to use here with no success. I’m including Henney on my list because so many women I know think he’s HOT! I figure if I were to mack Henney, it’d be a good way to pick up chicks. “Hey baby, did I tell you I know Daniel Henney?” “Really, oppa?” “Yeah. Not only that, but I fucked him. So if you fuck me, it’d be kind of like you were fucking him too.” “OK. Awesome!” Sounds like a plan.
4. STEPHEN HAWKING
To show everyone that I’m not shallow and only placing hunky dudes on my list, I’m including Hawking a.k.a. one of the greatest physicists to ever walk the earth. Well, in his case, not “literally” walk since he’s in a wheelchair and completely paralyzed. But anyway, chicks are always saying how intelligence is a turn on so I’m willing to give it a shot with the good professor. Even if he were a lousy lay on account of his complete paralysis, it would still be a cool thing to say I fucked the smartest man to ever walk the earth. Sorry, again I don’t mean “literally” walk. And does anyone else find that computerized monotone voice sexy? He could be saying the nastiest shit while you’re going at it like rabbits and it’d sound exactly the same as one of the fancy pants lectures he gives to world-renowned scientists. There’s something so wrong yet so right about that.
5. GEORGE W. BUSH
Considering this guy fucked us repeatedly over the course of eight years, I think it’s only fair to give it back to him in return.
6. SIGMUND THE SEA MONSTER
When I watched this Sid and Marty Kroft’s children’s series as a kid, I always wondered how Sigmund and his fellow sea monsters had sex. On one hand, there are no visible sex organs, BUT look at all those phallic-looking tentacle things sticking out of his body. I carefully studied the show so I know Sigmund never used those extra tentacles as we would use our hands and arms. They just lied there limp and seemed to serve no purpose. At least, no purpose that could be revealed on a Saturday morning kid’s show; even one created by a bunch of hippies dropping acid before writing each episode. Wouldn’t it be something if every tentacle on Sigmund’s green body was a sexual appendage able to register high levels of pleasure? They may live in caves and eat seaweed, but in that sense, these sea monsters are more highly evolved than us.
7. THE VERIZON PHONE GUY
I wonder if while in the middle of fucking someone, this dude pulls out his phone and says, “Can you hear me now?” Only one way to find out.
8. ANY HALFWAY ATTRACTIVE THAI LADY BOY
OK, by this time, I’ve had more than enough of this sausage fest and will probably desperately need a dude that at least resembles a hot chick. Now, I’ve been to Thailand and can personally attest to the fact that some of these Thai lady boys are even hotter than real women. And with that awkward revelation, let’s move on, shall we?
9. HOMER SIMPSON
Besides intelligence, another quality that chicks are always prattling about wanting in a man is a sense of humor. So if I’m going to fuck someone because I think they’re hilarious, my first choice has to be Homer Simpson. If I have to explain why to you, then you just don’t understand funny. In which case, go back to enjoying your Jimmy Fallon and leave the real comedy to the experts. D’oh!
10. MY FELLOW OFFENDER ANDERSON
OK, if you put a gun to my head and told me I had to include a fellow Offender on this list, it wouldn’t be the obvious choice like Sung or Roger. Nope, it would be Anderson. Why? Just look at the photo of him above. That is the face of a bad ass pimp. ‘Nuff said!