If you all remember in September, we posted about MISS UNIVERSE AUSTRALIA Francesca Hung and spoke about her being Chinese Australian, and what a great achievement and development that is. Well that point still stands, but this post focuses on something else and something dark which has plagued herself, her identity and her own self confidence. It is depression. Sadly, depression is more common than we think, and many of us would have faced/experienced it – I definitely did. This is why Hung coming out about it is something which many of us, including myself can resonate with.
Hung really gets personal and spoke about how depression has impacted on her identity, internalized racism, and on her family. It is definitely something extremely personal, and is really brave of her to share this so publicly. Anyways, enough from me,
I didn’t really understand depression and that that is what I was feeling; straight after school I went to uni and focussed. It was all about focussing on the future. My parents are high achievers, and I had that pressure on me, and I really wanted to impress them.
It really got to me, and there were moments where all I wanted to do was stay in bed and not go to uni. I wanted to sleep all day, I had no motivation to do anything with my life.
I remember, I never acted on any suicidal thoughts or really strong suicidal thoughts, it was more like self-sabotage; I would do things to, sort of, ruin my life so that no-one expected anything from me.
I was horrible with my family and horrible to be around. I lived out of home for a little bit and was dating and seeing the wrong sort of guys, and I wasn’t going to uni properly … I started rebelling a little bit.
I was partying a bit too hard, and doing anything to distract myself; I was hanging out with the wrong people and wasn’t doing anything with my life.
One of the reasons why I slept so much (was) I was constantly exhausted, with this constant battle in my head, and the dialogue in my head.
I hated myself so much and I thought I was so worthless, and I would look at myself in the mirror and think “ugh you’re disgusting, what are you doing with yourself?”
I wanted to be perfect, but I was always berating myself and cursing myself, and I was constantly tired and exhausted. I would sleep all day to avoid the fight with myself. If I got up, I knew the conversation would start again and there would be days where I just didn’t want to face it.
Initially (my negative self-talk) was about my physical appearance; I thought I was unattractive and ugly to look at, and it stemmed from how I was always so conscious that I was half Chinese.
I think growing up, I always felt different from everyone else … especially growing up around Mosman and Cremorne, there wasn’t that much diversity and I always felt like I was on the outside.
That was completely ingrained in me, and I was so self-conscious that when I would look in the mirror I would see this disgusting blob. I was overweight, and I would sabotage my eating so I would fit a certain look; I hated the way I looked.
The article is definitely worth a read ( I just provided a few choice excerpts in this post), so please read it in full as it is a very important reminder that depression can affect all of us, no matter how good or bad our lives are going.
Images via Sydney Morning Herald
To read the original article, please click on: Francesca Hung, Miss Universe Australia, speaks candidly about depression