Friends, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

John McAfee, the 67 year old “persecuted” anti-virus software guru behind the program which bears his name, will soon be reunited with Amy and Samantha, his 17 and 20 year old Belizean girlfriends.

Apparently they have crossed the border into Honduras and are rumored to be on their way to Miami, where McAfee has been coping with his loneliness by hitting on other women.

He recently spent an afternoon with Miami New Times reporter Michael Miller and a female reporter from the Miami Herald.

“We wandered into and out of phone stores until McAfee found one capable of calling Guatemala,” wrote Miller.  “He instantly began flirting with the woman behind the counter, taking out a Marlboro and asking her for a light.”  ‘Do I know you?’ she said with a laugh.  ‘I dated your sister, remember?’ McAfee bullshitted. ‘She got so upset when I snuck into your room that one night. But it was worth it. You did things that I don’t even think there are names for.’ He forked over $438 for a phone, including $300 in credit to call Amy and Sam.”

While trying on a pair of Ray-Bans, McAfee added, “I need a pair of these.  Women are always trying to stab me in the eyes with needles.”

Hmm.  Wonder why?

Well, turns out he has a whole philosophy that might explain the needle stabbing thing:

“He said that he cared deeply for both of his girlfriends, Amy and Sam,” wrote Miller, “and was worried for their safety in Guatemala, but that monogamy and love were illusions. ‘This is a rare truth,’ he said, before quizzing his three listeners on whether they had ever had an affair. ‘I don’t sleep with Amy anymore.  She tried to kill me four times. She stabbed me in the ass. I’m deaf in one ear because she tried to shoot me in the head. Since we stopped having sex, she hasn’t tried to kill me. Not even once.’”

Not even once.  It’s nice to see an old man and one of his child concubines patch up their differences.

“’There are two ways to live, my son,’ he instructed Miller.  ‘You can live according to the formula. We all know it: You go to school, you learn as much as you can, you find the right [partner], you settle down and have children. You live 20 years for your children, another 15 for your job, you retire, get a golden watch, and enjoy your life.  Or there is no formula. There is nothing to live by except what is happening in that moment. Life is infinite. You can’t have rules for infinity.'”

“‘The only rule is this here,’ he said, tapping the other reporter – the woman – over her heart.”

That’s right: he turned his philosophical disquisition on the meaning life into a quick grope.

As they walked along Miami’s Lincoln Road eating $24 worth of green tea ice cream with chopsticks, McAfee turned to Miller and said, “You’ve got 10 minutes to ask her out,’ referring to the reporter he had just groped.  ‘After that, I’m going to enter the competition.”

You know, at a certain point, revulsion turns into…well, if not admiration, then certainly slack jawed awe.

And why is McAfee in the news, besides his unapologetic womanizing?  John McAfee has been on the lam since November 10, wearing disguises and taunting police with paranoid blogs – www.whoismcafee.com – after Gregory Faull, an ex-pat neighbor of his in Belize, turned up with a bullet in his head.

Officials in Belize say McAfee remains “a person of interest.”

Well, he is interesting, I’ll grant you that.


  1. You really amaze me with your lists. No matter what list you made, you make sure that I’d be surprise on what your picking to include in it. Cheers.

  2. Yes, he is as interesting as a monkey at the zoo. Here is a banana, there there.