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A few weeks ago, we received the following email from a reader named Alessandra:

I’ve heard a lot of Asian guys complain that “non-Asian girls aren’t into them”, and they often blame emasculating stereotypes for this phenomenon. However, I’m a non Asian girl (white/Dominican) and I feel that when I flirt with Asian guys, they are unresponsive. I’m pretty and have a good sense of humor, so I’m puzzled as to why this is happening. This doesn’t happen to me when I flirt with boys of other races. In fact, I’ve heard this from other non Asian females as well. Philip has given much advice to Asian guys on how to get non Asian girls, but I think non Asian girls need a manual on getting Asian guys. Seriously, the most harmonious of unions can be created between Asian guys and non Asian girls…we just need a lot of help getting there.

This is a topic that I’ve certainly written about more than once on this blog, but Alessandra’s right in that my advice has tended to be directed more at helping the brothas (see examples here and here). I’ve told Alessandra that I’ll try my best to address this issue in the future so to start me off on this endeavor, I asked our non-Asian female readers, via our Twitter and Facebook pages, who have a thing for Asian men to share their thoughts. But before we get to a few of those responses below, here’s some context on this subject:

Ten years ago, Newsweek ran a piece entitled “Why Asian Guys Are On A Roll?” The thesis of the article was that Asian men, who have historically not been thought of as sexually attractive in Western culture, were now hot. A decade later, we may have more Asian males in the pop culture zeitgeist who are seen as desirable, but I’m not sure if I would say a lot has changed. After all, the defining Asian male icon of the 2000s might still be William Hung.

The Pew Research Institute just released a new study of interracial marriages and found that such unions have increased dramatically (doubling from 1980 to 2008), but some stats still remain the same: Asian women still have one of the highest rates of out-marriage (40%), double the rates for Asian men. So again, progress for Asian guys is slower here, too.

But still, if you spend any amount of time doing research on the internet, you’ll find that in the last few years, there have been a lot more sites devoted to Asian male and non-Asian female unions so was Newsweek right? Are perceptions of Asian men changing? Some of our readers certainly think so. Following are some of their responses.

San Francisco Bay Area resident Jennifer describes herself as “one Caucasian woman who only dates Asian men.” She says many of her girlfriends, who are not Asian, also prefer dating Asian men:

I just describe my affinity for Asian men as a preference, like some men might prefer blondes or redheads. I’ve always been more attracted to Asian features and appreciate the family values that seem to be more prevalent in Asian families. In my experience they also tend to be far more respectful towards women. You get big points for being a gentleman in my book. Some of my girlfriend’s might have responses that vary, but we all agree Asian men are hot 😉

I can see how some women have difficulty finding an Asian man to date. Quite a few of the men I’ve dated I’ve been their first non-Asian girlfriend or date. One guy never seemed to be able to get over the fact that I preferred Asian men. Like he had been trained and taught it just wasn’t possible to have a non-Asian female find your attractive. Some feel their family might not approve of dating outside their race, or yes, some are simply shy. Some of my guy friends blame our society and Hollywood for how they are portrayed (or lack there of), but I think it’s mostly family pressure. It’s always more acceptable for an Asian female to date a white man, but not the other way around.

And from our loyal reader Kurly Kolly who first noticed the hotness of Asian men in high school when she was partnered up with two Asian guys in her technology class. She explains:

There really isn’t any particular reason why I love Asian guys. Maybe Asian men have Kryptonite in their pockets. When they walk into a room I am usually stunned and speechless. People often wonder if I’m okay. “Are you having an asthma attack?” “Do you need water?” “What are you doing? Please put your clothes back on, you’re at work!” To which I reply: “I can’t feel my legs!”

Both Jennifer and Kurly Kolly grew up around Asian and Asian American people and culture and even spent time in Asia. That might at least partially explain their preference. But Betty, a self-described “corn-fed white girl from Iowa,” had a different upbringing:

I don’t think I saw a single Asian person in real life until I moved to Seattle after college. Before then, I never thought of Asian guys or if I did they were nerds like the one character in Sixteen Candles. But the first Asian guy I met was my co-worker and it was like I got hit by a truck. I’d never felt like that before, it was like, “where have you been all my life?” I still have no idea where that came from and I still haven’t recovered. LOL

Next, I talked to my friend Liv, who is very blond and very white and very hot (trust me on this), who worked as a model in Japan for several years. She didn’t know what to expect when she first went to Tokyo at age 18 except for stories she had heard that Japanese men were perverts and had a fetish for blond white women, but she could make a lot of money. At the time, her father had walked out on the family and she had to support her mother and two younger brothers and didn’t feel she had a choice but to take a job offer from a modeling agency based in Japan:

There are other girls who went to Japan and had bad experiences, but for me it was great. Nothing like what I expected from the horror stories. Do Japanese men have white girl fetishes? Sure, some do, but I found the Japanese men I met to be really respectful and dignified and I found that really sexy. I don’t know how else to describe it, they were different than all the men I had met in the U.S. I admit it, I probably have a fetish for Asian men. Maybe it’s also my own personal issues…my father was a royal dick and subconsciously I might be avoiding white men because of my daddy issues. Certainly, the Asian men I’ve dated have treated me much better than any of the white guys I’ve dated. 

I ask Liv about her fetish. She’s aware that Asian women are oftentimes stereotyped as exotic and desirable by non-Asians and that could be a negative thing. I ask her if she thinks what she feels for Asian men could also be negative:

Maybe, but I think it’s different. Asian women are exoticized all the time. But Asian men are presented as such sexual eunuchs that, shit, you should just be happy I’m into Asian guys 🙂

And that is the crux of it. I do know a lot of Asian American guys who have issues with Asian women dating non-Asian men, but who not only support Asian men dating non-Asians, but downright encourage it without seeing any sort of contradiction.

So what do you think? Are Asian men seen as more sexually desirable now? Are there still obstacles or specific issues for Asian guys in getting with non-Asian women? Is there a difference between Asian men dating non-Asians and Asian women dating non-Asians? It’s 2010 and are these issues still even valid or have things progressed beyond them? Share your thoughts below.

Do you have any questions you’d like the Offenders to answer? Email them to: [email protected]. We can’t promise to get to all of them, but will occasionally address some of the interesting ones.

106 Comments

  1. hahaha! omg im so embarrassed now. 😛

  2. @kurlykolly, don’t be! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  3. Wow…this whole article was about white chicks with Asian guys. There are other races of women who like Asian men as well. HUGE communities of them in fact.

  4. @kurlykolly asl?

  5. @Lena, you shouldn’t assume everything was about white chicks because a few of the respondents identified themselves that way. There are those, like Kurly Kolly quoted above, who I believe are not white (correct me if I’m wrong). And unless it was in reference to a specific example, I’ve made sure to use “non-Asian” as opposed to “white” in my descriptions above. Still, if you feel that way, you should feel free to share your experiences. That’s the whole point of this. Thanks!

  6. “Where the white women at?”

  7. With manga/anime and JRock bands becoming popular among teenagers, there’s A LOT of white girls now who have a thing for Asian boys. I used to work for a Japanese music site, so trust me on this one.

  8. I dated a Japanese guy for several years…how he handled my puertorican short tempered ass…is beyond me. I loved his calmness and the dignified manner in which he handled himself. If i hadn’t moved to Hawaii…most likely I would be married to this guy now..what amused me was..a fair amount of people would stare at us (Being in So-Cal i thought people were accustomed to seeing these things all the time) ..but mostly we would get dirty looks from Asian girls.

  9. Hey all,

    As the owner of the site formerly known as Aznlover.com, now http://www.eastwesttribe.com , I can say that overall, from the perspective of someone who runs an AM/XF/media site, it really has been quite a slow progression. I think much of it can be attested to the said obvious reasons – media being one of them, but even on that front, which seemed like The Great Wall for Asian men 10 years ago, it seems we’re gaining more ground.

    In the big picture, I think groups like YOMYOMF, Channel APA, Wongfu Productions and the countless other Asian crews trying to make their mark (eastwesttribe as well), are creating a very solid base which I think, with the right ingredients and timing, could end up being something that acts as an enabling foundation for what can end up being the greatest creative initiative for Asians in the west. I know it’s coming. My only hope is that when the players realize who they are, that it happens with a spirit of charity and good will.

  10. I’ve been saying for roughly 20 years that an Asian Renaissance is coming to the West – and by that I mean a multifaceted event – not just the dating scene.

    I’ve always had a core belief that race/nationality alone should not be a deterrent to friendship, business or love. Because of this I have actively been watching the winds of change as it happens.

    I have gone from a time in my own youth when a young Asian man who I thought was an amazing guy in every way turned me down for lunch, because I was not Asian (though in fairness I must concede that perhaps I was not his type) – to watching the internet explode with this subject being pursued and developed into a new social paradigm.

    And now in my middle years I am able to actively work to help create that change – a little here and a little there. That’s not to say that we still don’t face a long hard slog…but every year I see something that tells me another stone has been cleared from the path.

    I think from here on out things are going to potentially begin to pick up speed. I have a theory that many things and ideas that people reject at first blush they will develop a taste for with multiple exposures over time. I believe that it takes that time and exposure for the human brain to develop the physical hard wiring connected to positive memory required to establish taste in new things – be it a flavor of cuisine, a style of film, or the type of faces they find attractive.

    This is why I believe that all of these various efforts, blogs, growth in population in areas not traditionally associated with Asian communities and attempts to create change in the media will eventually transform Western societies into recognizing “Asian” as a normal part of the expected scene – not as something “other”.

    For me, race has never been a factor in who I perceive as a potential partner – it is the full measure of the man that counts. I would not be interested in a man *just* because he is Asian, but by that same general rule I would not exclude a man for being Asian either.

  11. This was the best article in my opinion to date! I’ve always only dated Asian men but I only date Korean, Japanese or Chinese mainly because of the traditions and cultures. I started daring Asian men when I was 12 and every guy I’ve dated I’ve remained friends with and yeah some told me they dated me because I’m blonde and fair skinned and blue eyed but it’s ok. My husband married me and had a child with me because of that:) another reason why I like Asian men more is because they are dominant and like to take control inside and outside of the bedroom (sorry for the tmi) it’s the truth! 🙂 xoxo

  12. Let me clarify. I am a Black American chick who adores Asian men. It’s just my preference. Someone asked about ASL… thats American Sign Language. I’m an Interpreter.

  13. I wrote an e-mail to Philip in response to this and he encouraged me to post it here.

    “I think it’s great that more people are finally acknowledging that Asian men are just as sexually desirable as anyone else. However, I find what some of the women said to be somewhat troubling. I think we should be wary not to encourage fetishizing a group of people. I suppose an argument can be made for this idea of ‘preference’ that seems to always come up in conversations of interracial dating, but exclusivity definitely implies something a bit more sinister. I am speaking from a perspective — being a part of the gay ‘community’ — where I see a lot of fetishizing happen. Asian men are viewed by racists in much the same way that Asian women are in heterosexual relationships. The assumptions made are equally as dehumanizing.

    Being a gay white man, I obviously can’t speak for how straight Asian men feel in this sort of situation — especially with the horrible crap you all deal with from the media and the white supremacist society we live in. However, I do see what damage that sort of ‘fetish’ racism does to the self-esteem of many of my gay Asian friends. It’s equally as damaging as the racism they experience when non-Asian men tell them they’re not attractive because they’re Asian. I’m sure you’re aware about this, especially from your own friends who have guest contributed or those who you’ve shared accounts about; there is a dichotomy that gay Asian men constantly have to deal with. The first is racists who outright would never date Asians. The other is the ‘rice queens’ and fetishists who exclusively date Asian men. They enter a relationship for all the wrong reasons and with so many assumptions about what makes someone Asian. People don’t come into these relationships with a healthy outlook, but instead are working off a stereotype or an expectation. It’s equally as racist as the other group. I think these non-Asian women who exclusively date Asian men should be questioned about their motivation. I’m glad you did pose a question to your friend at the end about this fetish of hers, but I do think it’s an issue worth investigating further.

    As Asian men become seen as more desirable by non-Asian communities, I’d prefer it happen for the right reasons. I really want Asian men to feel empowered and know they’re desirable! I just don’t want them to deal with the same crap their gay counterparts already do by being viewed as an exotic object rather than as a person.”

  14. how is it that this is the first time i’ve come across this website? This has been a burning topic with me and my friends lately because i too prefer to date asian men but I’m african american and have been hard pressed to find receptive guys. Loe the article

  15. Philip,
    thank you so much for writing this! Last year, I had the biggest crush on this Asian guy. When I told some of my friends about him, I got responses like, ” well…I bet he has a small penis..” and ” he probably only does calculus on Saturday nights”. I wish people(women) would stop stereotyping Asian men. I’m glad to hear that more Asian men are dating outside of their race, and that there are other women out there who also have yellow fever. Due to your post, I’m thinking that I should make the first move on an Asian guy instead of necessarily waiting for him to come to me. Maybe that way they will see that non Asian girls find them super sexy.

  16. I get that a lot. The stereotyps are horrible. It’s also difficult when you actually do go out with your BF and other Asians don’t like seeing you together. We were once not served our food orders and were cursed out in Chinese. NYC Chinatown. yeah. that was a bad day. We just left in peace. We even paid for our order.

  17. @ kurlykolly
    that’s horrible! I’ve also noticed that many Asian women refuse to date asian men, but when they see a non Asian woman with an Asian man, they give the couple dirty looks. I guess a could see why an older person would do this. The idea of interracial dating baffles them. But I am shocked as to why people of younger generations do this. I’m sorry the resturant refused to serve you. Some people are just set in their ways.

  18. This post brought up a lot of points, so rather than sort out my thoughts coherently I’ll just throw out some theories.

    – Western culture puts high value on romance or being “swept off your feet,” and Asian culture is less emotionally expressive. Some would say it’s more honest. I still find it hard to say “I Love You” to my family members, and there’s a hilarious yet sad scene in “I Love You’s are for White People” by Lac Su illustrating exactly why this is so. Personally, I think, like the F-bomb, it loses a lot of its power when you throw it around too often, no?

    – Familial pressure for sons to marry Asians, in order to carry on the family name. Yes, the whole naming-the-kids-after-the-father’s-family thing seems somehow sexist, but the only solution came from an ex-gf of mine, who had the most progressive Chinese parents I’ve ever met. She, being female, got her mother’s last name.

    – Most Asian Americans of my generation (X) have experienced some racism in some way, and some might (unfairly) harbor resentment or decide they’re better off keeping with their own kind.

    – Western notions of masculinity often have to do with bravado and flash, but Asians generally value humility and believe that kind of behavior to be arrogant and unseemly.

    And on top of all that, there are still those issues that come with any interracial relationships. With my blonde ex, we got dirty looks from White guys, were refused to be seated by an Asian American hostess at a restaurant, and her conservative Republican father was against us dating. I have since learned not to bring it up with my non-Asian GFs, or at least not make a big deal of it. Sometimes those discussions turn ugly and I end up with bruised shins.

  19. Matt-

    EXCELLENT post- your perspective is an eye opener

  20. Great article! Glad to know I was able to be of service! This is an important topic to us girls too, so the more attention it gets, the better!

  21. I think I learned to prefer Asian men growing up in Bensonhurst Brooklyn during the 80s. When I was a child my best friend was a Asian boy who lived across the street. It was most so he was the epidimy of what I wanted my future to be.

    While my white cousins, their latino and blacks friends were playing gangs (very ignorantly) by doing nothing in the park all day and night my friend ANDY wasnt. he was helping his family at their business (like I was with my fathers salon). He was doing well at school and studying (and we enjoyed this together). More so he was making something of himself by becoming a pilot at a super young age.

    He didnt think me odd for wanted to know languages or trace the origins of a particular martial art movie or anime soundtrack. He welcomed me learning more.

    I will always credit him with my heart belonging to Asian guys.

    All I know is from then Asian men were it for me from then on.

  22. Nice work.
    And thanks to all that have stepped out from the shadows to share.
    I agree with many of @MacLu’s thoughts.

  23. I never had an opinion about Asian-looking men. Until I saw Sung Kang and Takeshi Kaneshiro.
    Philip, I do not know you, I read your stories (very funny!) only for a few days, otherwise I would list out perhaps with Sung and Kaneshiro. Unfortunately there is for us (in Germany) practically no Asian-looking men. And then when I met once on tour an Asian man, he acted as if I would not exist. Perhaps because I am a tall blond blue-eyed woman and they do not like. I do not know. But even if they ignore me, I find it attractive anyway.
    (I am so sorry for my creepy English – Google translator. My German is much better, I swear).
    It is the first time in my life that I write something on the internet and I hope you can read this comment.

    Many greetings from Berlin
    Biggi

  24. @Biggi, thanks for popping your internet cherry on our site and your english is great!

    Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and comments.

  25. I’m glad people are recognizing that some XF do like Asian men and also that they need advice on getting an Asian man’s attention sometimes as well. I do not date Asian men exclusively but do include them in my dating pool. I do find some Asian features very appealing. I also tend to date men who are intelligent, have a sense of humor, are polite and courteous, are loyal to me, have strong family values and have a high sex drive. Of course some Asian men (as well as other races) have these attributes.

    I do think dating someone of your own race is easier if you are one to be bothered easily by looks and stares from others in public. For me, I’d rather be happy with my mate. I try to ignore the negative outside influences and just focus on those approving glances we get and most important that we are happy together. When I am with an Asian guy the negative looks tend to be more from older Asian women and Caucasian men.

    What I find hardest about dating Asian men is getting the approval of his family. Sometimes the parents have first been shocked their son would choose a non-Asian woman but later accepted me because I am a good person and good to their son (those are the best parents I have run across). Then there are the Asian parents who will never accept that their son is dating a non-Asian woman and judge you as unacceptable just based on the fact that you are not Asian (never knowing anything about you or ever meeting you). My current BF’s parents did not accept his ex-wife even though she is Asian just because she is not of the same ethnic background as him. Of course they do not accept me either as I am not Asian. I would love to see some follow up on how XF and AM can best deal with disapproval of their relationships from famly on both sides.

  26. Now…how will the Red Dawn remake play into all of this? That movie makes me nervous.

  27. Hey, Celtic? Are you a Boston Celtics fan? I hope so. I’m one of the few diehards living in Los Angeles (it gets harder every year). The Celts are the biggest surprise of the year, and Rajon Rondo has been an answered prayer. Celtics in Six!

    Rock on…

  28. It’s hard to answer your questions; most of the evidence that came up is anecdotal and without marriage statistics, none of us can be sure.

  29. To Collin,

    *laughs* Sorry to disappoint – but I’m actually of Celtic descent (Celtic with the hard ‘k’ sound, as opposed to the soft ‘s’ sound of the sports teams). Mostly Scots with a dash of Irish on the back end.

    I’m afraid I’m on the opposite coast from you as well – in the Deep South.

  30. Wow Phil, the reception to this article is fantastic!! Lots of good feedback from everybody for sure 🙂

    MacLu’s points really hit home in many cases, especially in regards to how azn dudes like myself really value the idea of humility, and showboating, even though it’s entertaining to do at times, is seen by us as…well, stupid in many cases.

    I’m moving onto 27 soon, and I haven’t dated much for many reasons. The big one is when I respond to flirts from all sorts of girls, from clubbing to concert hook ups, I get brushed off (i.e., “I’m 30, I’m too old for you”, “You need more confidence,” etc). It sucks, and it really turns me off from dating, especially since I know I have a lot to offer. This is even more lame when you’re flirting with someone who you know is just humoring you and being nice. I hate that 😛

    I live in FL, and most girls don’t have any interest in AMs in my honest opinion. You may see the AM/WF once in awhile (like my one cousin), and I have another cousin who is married to a wonderful African American female from NJ, but it’s far and few in-between. Every florida girl is tanned to the hilt and unless you’ve got the guns to match or aren’t into the Bucs, then good luck.

    To answer Phil’s question, Yes, AMs are beginning to be seen as cooler, hipper, and yes, more desirable, but it’s a slow move. A lot of the comments by all of you wonderful ladies out there give me hope and make me look forward to the dating scene, but they reinforce one thing in my mind, and it’s that it really is about preference and, in some cases, upbringing, as mia, KurlyKolly & Jennifer point out. Why is it that we have the problem of asian males being emasculated as all fuck in the media in the states, with a minority of females digging them, whereas in places like Brazil, it’s not a problem? (if anyone want to clarify for me, please do so if I am incorrect).

    What Alessandra says is spot on. And yes, there are plenty of AMs like myself who’d love to date outside of their race, but as others have pointed out, many AMs assume that females outside of their race DON’T find them attractive, because many probably didn’t have that experience that told them so. I’m not telling females who dig AMs to take the initiative because some of us are lazy, shy or have no dating experience, but I want them to realize that, yes, some of us grew up in places where we WEREN’T the hottest commodity on the block. And eventhough we may NOW be successful, fit, fine, modest, educated, attentive or what have you, that may not matter because if the ladies don’t find all of that, plus my ‘gorgeous’ Thai looks, attractive, then I’m shit out of luck.

    (Best female responses get my number, rofl) ^__^

  31. Are you saying that KurlyKolly needs to move to Brazil?? 😛 bc i will do it! I was thinkin of going back to Hawaii…

  32. @ Kane
    so, how should non Asian girls approach shy Asian guys? How can we let them know that we’re interested without necessarily making the first move?

  33. Philip, once again sunny greetings from Berlin.
    I have now taken the time to search the web for you, because I just knew that your name Philip, and that you write funny things. Now I finally know who you are and know what you look like. And now of course it is obvious that you belong on my list of Sung and Kaneshiro.

  34. @KurlyKolly
    I’m not saying you need to move to Brazil unless you want to, but if I met a sistah who digged me right off the bat, I’d be happy as hell. It just seems that in Brazil, those unions happen more frequently and seem a lot more ‘accepted’ compared to the states (if that makes ANY sense at all).

    @Alessandra
    Maybe Phil might be the better guy to ask, since he made that following article about pick-up lines 🙂 I would say that you should press the issue about hanging out outside of class / work, etc. and once you hangout a few times, wait & see if he ‘gets the hint’ (if that makes any sense). He might be wild just like you or anybody else, but feels like he’s gotta be proper and composed in public (that’s how I am to be honest). Furthermore, coming back to what I said about preconceived notions, find out if he has any, and see if you can break the ice as a pal (i.e. hangout) and hopefully he’ll get the guts to ask you out.

  35. For a non Asian woman who may be interested in an AM someday remember this, embarassment is huge.

    A lot of us are so damn nice we’d prefer to lose out rather than get embarassed, shamed or make a woman feel aggressed-on. This is general shit, of course, and everyone’s mileage will vary. I know a ton of AM like this: good fellas, solid, smart, too nice for their own sexual good.

    And this, sometimes a guy, any guy any race, foreign or American-born may be interested in continuing the conversation but he could be shy, nonaggressive or just flat out surprised to be getting clearly positive vibes from the woman right in front of him. Things may not go to the next level. It’s happened to me a few times, thank god for such blessings, but it can be a nice form of weird. Next level occurs, yes, sometimes.

    There she is, nonAsian. Vibes. Laughs. Smiles, oh crap, lots of eye contact. Pupils dialated, she’s drinking me in big time. Mind reels, omigod, she likes me. Do I step this up? Ask for an email? Hold the hug longer than friendliness? Touch her hand, touch her knee, slide my hand lower on her hip…? You are thinking,

    BUT! DUDE THINK, THINK! AM I MISREADING HER? AND IF I AM AND BLOW THIS I AM ROYALLY FUCKED AND WILL HAVE TO COMMIT RITUAL HARI-KIRI ON FIRST STREET IN FRONT OF SUEHIRO’S, I’LL BE POSTED ON YOUTUBE AND IT’LL BE COVERED IN THE RAFU SHIMPO NEWSPAPER SO MY ENTIRE FAMILY INCLUDING RELATIVESOVERSEAS WILL SEE ME BEING MR. DICK. AND MY LIFE IS OVER. BETTER TO BE THAT LAUGHING ASIAN GUY THAN RISK DEATH FROM SEX.

    This happens some of the time. Mileage and shame level varies.

  36. @DarrellKuni
    Ya hit it on the nail bro. Happens to me.

  37. @darellkuni
    i missed out on a terrific guy bc he never told me! He ended up dating some other chubby blk chick, and now they’re married. I guess she was more assertive. I am not. I am very nervous with Asian guys. An Asian crush will NEVER know how i really feel. (not talking about you Sung, I luv you and you know that, ur my baby daddy)

  38. I think it’s the same whether you’re an Asian guy afraid to approach a non-Asian woman you like or vice versa, my advice would be to just go for it. Life’s too short to let fear or insecurities stand in your way. What’s the worst that can happen? You get rejected and you’re no better off than you are now. But think of all you can gain.

    @Biggi, that’s nice of you to say but I’m definitely not on the same list as Sung.

  39. Philip, I just knew yesterday that you would write me something in this way. But it is the truth. You are much too modest.

  40. @Biggi

    I’m totally impressed that you managed to find any information about Phil ajuhssi on the net. 🙂 I’m still stuck with google images of Philip Ahns, Wangs, Kims, Parks, etc. Methinks I should search for more Asian-sounding last names.

    @Sung

    Oppa, you should be happy that I know how to pronounce your first name THE RIGHT WAY (thank you hangeul) so — what is Phil’s surname? 😛

  41. kurly, remember this, no matter how nervous you may feel the AM will be feeling doubly so. We are like that line from Woody Allen, I think in Annie Hall:

    We keep it inside and grow a tumor.

  42. @DarrellKuni
    ur hilarious good advice. my stomach still knots up tho, just thinking about it. 😛
    I find AMs hot and im not ashamed to say it! And its not “creepy” or a “fetish” so there!

  43. I’m a few days late but here is my 2 cents… I’m AM and the XF that I’ve dated all share one trait… they are open minded women often with liberal and progressive social values. I would say that most of them didn’t see me as Asian per se… but rather as someone who also share the same interest and social values who just happen to be Asian. Of course I don’t know that for sure, some of them could have yellow fever… but I think it is safe to say that none of them are/were Republicans.

  44. tips and comments for the non-Asian ladies:

    1) Some of us Asian men are stuck thinking that non-asian girls don’t find us desirable even though I myself have dated outside my race. Just saying, our heads are still stuck with the programming society gives us– like a lot of people in society.

    2) I always imagined that I’d marry another Asian and that I’d have most things in common with Asian girls and I’m sure a lot of people in whatever race expect that they’ll marry within their race.– this is still somewhere in my head, though in my experience, the girls who’ve made my love life hell happened to be Chinese and thinking this way, I hurt a very nice and pretty girl who was taller than me.

    3) Once at a bar, me and some friends were talking to a white girl who mentioned that when she was in Hong Kong, she was trying to get with asian men, but they didn’t seem to take her seriously. You could see the sudden interest in all of the Asian guys listening to her talk, including me.

    Casually throw that out there– that you’re into asian guys or that you think this or that actor from an asian movie is hot, don’t make yourself sound psycho.

    4) Asians can be very cliqish in general. Try to open up your social network.

  45. @SuperFanGirl

    I’m new here and thought everyone here knows who he is. Only I did not.
    But maybe he wants to remain incognito. And I don’t want he hates me because I have told you his name.

  46. I’m categorically Asian, and too have grown up with the same perceptions with regard to attractiveness by women of other races. So I’ve always felt that non-Asian women never found me attractive in general.

    Until I realized recently that judging me from my looks alone, society doesn’t view me as “Asian,” but most likely Latino. And Latinos are considered fare more higher up on the attractiveness ladder than Asian men are, right?

    So now I’m confused.

  47. Damn, I’m amazed this thread is STILL going!!

  48. @Irwin: I’ve only dated non-Asians who share my progressive/liberal political views as well, but a good friend of mine who is both asian and a valueless, amoral fuckhead has no problem bedding conservative non-Asians.

  49. @MacLu: And by valueless, amoral fuckhead I don’t mean he’s a fellow conservative. He’s still liberal, just more like James Carville I suppose.

  50. I agree with Kane, I can’t believe this is still going!! 🙂

  51. well, talking about sex is good.

  52. I totally understand this. I used to go after Asian guys, flirted with them, I never got a response. I found one reason had to do with what their family wanted. Similar to the family pressures of being doctors, and lawyers, there is equal pressure to find a woman that is the same race, and same culture. I think mostly to ensure that when the parents are older they’ll have a daughter in law that will live up to taking care of them, the way they’re used to. I remember once a friend of mine had said her mother told him that mixed babies were stupider than pure raced babies…even after going through science class, he still believed this up into his adulthood. I had a feeling it was her way of making sure he picked the type of girl she wanted him to have. I’ve heard other stories where mothers intervene in such a way that even marrying outside of the general culture is a declaration of war against the girl, example a Korean man and a Chinese woman…the mom wasn’t having it, and he stopped the engagement due to her disapproval.

    I finally gave up on pursuing Asian men, just wasn’t worth the hassle and the constant disapproval of my non Asianess (although all my friends are Asian and consider me their Asian and I have more in common with them than with my Hispanic background).

  53. Wow, never knew there were so many non-asian Asian men lovers out there. When I was younger I’d never gone after non-asian women because I never thought we’d have something in common, I also thought they were a little bit too loud or strong minded. For the most part every time I did try to smile at white women they’d give me a disinterested blank look or the evil eye unlike the smiley response reserved for white men. I guess I’ve always worried about racists after watching that scene in Dragon:Bruce Lee story where Bruce and Linda are never seated at the white eatery and they have to go to a Chinese restaurant.LOL
    I did however always found European women to be very comfortable to talk to and totally feminine and comparable to asian women in desirability as was my experience talking to Norwegian and Swedish women.
    @Biggi , if you’re tall and attractive, the only asian men who won’t pay you attention might be the short insecure ones because they’re afraid of looking like a dwarf when they should bask in the glow of your Nordic presence.;)

  54. I really don’t see why women who have yellow fever get applauded but men that have it get ire.

    I give a side eye to anyone that will ONLY go after one race especially if they are into movies or music from that ethnicity or race.

    Its like they are collecting tidbits that amuse them and an Asian lover is just part of that collection.

  55. I now know what my problem is:
    1. I am too tall
    2. the gentlemen are too shy
    3. I am a little bit too shy
    2. + 3. = Is not a good combination

    @ PAM
    Thanks, that was so sweet of you to say that! You have comforted me really.

  56. peerip, u should do a PartII of AM’s n Non-Asian wmn. Oh, and Peerip…post ur pic 🙂

  57. I agree with kurlykolly, we need a part 2.

  58. @Alessandra

    yeah, that’s right! and a picture please!

    @Biggi

    you seemed very sweet judging by your writing. 🙂 it won’t be hard for guys t fall in love with you. and, forget about phil oppa’s last name (can’t really find any info about him). sigh.

  59. @Biggi

    I FOUND HIS WIKI ENTRY, haha! Oh my, his surname is not that common, you know! And, his credentials are so… AMAZING. Just. Wow.

  60. @SuperFanGirl
    Do we agree that Philip looks good? I really have a weakness for men with glasses.

  61. @Biggi
    Wow, women who actually like guys with glasses are super sweet! Can you write me rapan at excite.com? Wanna get to know you.lol 🙂

  62. Wait, Peerip is this a chatroom now? 🙂

  63. Who doesn’t like guys with glasses? They’re sexy

  64. @Alessandra
    u are correct specs r great esp blk specs like this guy:
    http://twitpic.com/1vjfnc

  65. @ kurlykolly
    Haha I luv them. Masi oka is pretty cute too! U should check out this website.
    http://www.guidespot.com/guides/asian_men_date_hapa

  66. @PAM
    I notice you seem to have some fans here. The other ladies are jealous. Will you still stand by me?lol

  67. I know many korean girls who would never date anyone outside of korean race simply because of the negative ideas poured into their brain by their family and peers. I’m assuming there are many girls of different races who dates soley within their race for the same reason. Having said this, within the large community of people who are open to dating different races it all comes down to this. Are you are hot or not. If not tough shit. If you are, well, life is good.

  68. So I used to work at a restaurant when I was 21 and would innocently flirt with all of my coworkers who happened to be young N-A females. (mostly latina and white).

    I never really took any chances with them because I never thought they were interested at the time, but now, being more experienced and knowing what I know, there was definitely some sexual tension going on… and not only on my part.

    I guess it was just a matter of not seeing what was right in front of me because of whatever beliefs I had at the time. I felt fine flirting and whatever, but just never took it further then that. Didn’t believe in the signals I would see.

  69. @Biggi
    I’m sure the other ladies are as lovely as you are, but you got my attention before they did so how can I possibly allow myself to choose anyone over you my dear. lol Ever been to San Francisco, if so one day we can chat over coffee. 😉

  70. @PAM
    I’m sitting here in my office in Berlin and San Francisco is 5657 miles away …

  71. @Biggi
    True love knows no distance. lol I’m quite aware you’re in Berlin,Germany from your posts. 😉 The only thing I don’t know but want to know is what you look like.

  72. Wow, it seems like this has evolved into an online dating site. Hmm, perhaps we should start charging and make some money off this new venture 🙂

  73. I fancy asian men A LOT! I don’t know WHAT it is, I really don’t… never had the chance to try with one… I hope they don’t shy away from me! *is worried now*

  74. I can’t help but notice that this article, and its commentators, equate dating white people with progress.

    Not really sure I support the notion that hooking up with whites is somehow either an indicator or a goal of our community’s development. Frankly I’d like to see a little more solidarity with the Asian Pacific Islander community.

    Integration without self-actualization is assimilation.

    Peace.

  75. Not sure how it works in the States, but in Canada (mainly Vancouver, Toronto, and a bit in Montreal) girls I’ve met seem to be very open to dating Asian guys.

    I’ve never met an Asian girl who would ‘never date an Asian guy’ like I’ve read on this thread or on other blogs. And this is coming from a person who met a lot of crazy girls, both Asian and non-Asian, and I’ve never heard that said. I have been given some teasing from Asian friends (both female and male) when I’ve dated out, but they were just joking around.

    I see a lot of very attractive Asian male/Asian female and Asian male/Non-Asian female couples around the metro Vancouver area. I see a lot at the university I attend too, with popular Asian guys hooking up with both popular Asian and non-Asian girls, and it doesn’t seem to be a big issue to everyone who’s socialized.

    I think the most obvious way to get around misunderstanding between dating for Asian guys and non-Asian girls is for both sides to expand their social networks to include more of the other. It’s cool to have these discussions online, but in real life people tend to meet their girlfriends/boyfriends within their social groups.

    Maybe it’s because there are less minorities in Canada (it’s really just white people and a ton of Asian people in the metropolis areas). But there seems to be more defined and complex Latin/Asian/African-American/Caucasian cliques in the US. I’ve personally witnessed the US lunchroom phenomenon myself. So make a bunch of Asian and non-Asian friends, easiest way to find dates!

  76. I felt compelled to lay down a response. It is in a way laughable when I hear white women complain that it is asian men that aren’t attracted to them to mask their own insecurities and racist tendencies. This is America, the white-washed society. Of course white is still the standard of beauty, but the dating game is dictated by women in America. White women ultimately decide whether asian men are desirable or not, just like white men have decided asian women are dateable. Please don’t bullshit anymore, white (American) women are some of the most close-minded, racist group of women around. No joke.

  77. I know this is a response to a post more than a year old but just felt compelled to comment =)

    This is my first time commenting on this blog and actually just happened upon this blog while reading another. The comments were all informative and entertaining =o) I appreciate Matt’s comment illuminating the fetishization of a race is not necessarily being the same thing as loving a person for just who they are as a person. That to want to be with someone based on certain stereotypes and a fetish is problematic. I too have often questioned anyone who *only* dates someone of another ethnicity and especially the language used to verbalize it (which this language and more is hopefully what I’ll be examining in future academic research which I might have to use this blog as a source 🙂 ) . But I am not in the relationship so honestly my opinion does not matter on that part. If people are happy then huzzah. Although I am happy to see APIA men getting their fair share of “sexy status” in the media and among people in general, the (not so)recent asiaphile craze has too many parallels to people dating Blacks because they think we’re hypersexual/bigbootyhoes/bigdickniggas.

    Personally, I have had issues with dating for the simple fact I dislike being fetishized for my either of my multiethnic identities. I am American of Black and Japanese descent (arguably two of some of the most highly fetishized ethnic cultures) and actually a product of a couple where a non-APIA woman fell for, married and had children with an APIA man. I have encountered too many creeps who tell me “oh you’re Japanese AND Black?…I KNOW you must be all kinds of freaky!” or “I’ve never been with a Black or Asian girl before…what’s it like?” Well when I turn lesbian I’ll be sure to update my facebook status to report what it’s like. But until then I like sweet nerdy gentlemen of any ethnicity who do not see me as their next Ms. Fat Booty or Hentai girl…because tentacles do NOT appeal to me =o)

    Just felt like adding my two cents. People are going to date whomever they wish, as a student of human sexuality I am curious as to the reasons people date, in particular interracial AM/BF couples and what external/internal influences are present.

    By the way I love this blog and am intrigued by the comments that tend to follow you Offenders =o) I look forward to following the topics more.

  78. oops my apologies in for the novella of a response lol just saw how much I typed after posting. Xo)

  79. I find it really unfortunate when I see Japanese men selling out dating white women and then if they have kids, they will no longer be able to maintain a pure Japanese linage and have the opportunity to have a normal family back in Japan.

  80. So… the main reason non-Asian women may want (us) Asian men is because we’re more … respectful? Darn it, yet another stereotype. Still, as long as it gets us more of ze ladeez…

  81. I have a big weakness for Asian men. Especially if they’ve let their hair grow out. I’m not sure where it came from. Where I grew up I never really saw Asians, then I moved to an area that had a large demographic of Asians, and I just fell for them. Everything about how they look I love.
    But unfortunately I’m African American, and it seems that Asian men just aren’t that into dating us. I’ve noticed they tend to only go for other Asian women. And if they say they’re open to dating non-Asian women, it usually means they’re only open to dating Caucasian women, so I haven’t had any luck yet on being able to date an Asian man. A little depressing for me considering how much I like them.

  82. I always thought that the initial attraction for non-asian chicka’s digging on us was that we’re martial art masters who were also g33ks in math. But lets be for reals its because we’re high roller’s who like $$ and making it. We don’t slap girls around and get rough with them unless they beg us to do so.

    Also, we dress to impress and for success. We even own in video games and you know damn well every CSI episode or Law & Order episode has a asian dude there representing the smartest lab geek or geneticist on the planet. Talk about skills to pay the bills!

  83. Well, i am living in canada….and there are quite a lots of asian man and white woman couple…..canadian white female are more kind and open than american ladies!!! i am asian and had been with non-asian girlfriend all my life…and i am in my 40`S…..and i am still with my french canadian girlfriend for 9 years!!! A special advise for my asian-american who want to date or marry a special white woman……you have to be romantic with her, try not to talk back too often and learn to be very good in sex and be able to “f__k for a long time….then you are set to have this special white princess for life!!!!!!!

  84. Hey, Matt. I totally agree with you. Sometimes, I have heard I’m so cute from white or Latina girls.

    I’m not second generation Asian guy who was born in the U.S. Even I have just visited the U.S., I have experienced a sort of racism. When I arrived in the U.S., every white girls look awesome. After I had experienced a kind of racism, I started to hate white people. First time, I heard “Yellow Cheese.” Third time was happened 2 days ago. Yeah, the party only white people get into. My Latino friend and I were almost mad after we heard that. One experience which is related to racism per a month. Nice! I think you white people have a thought of racism, but just you don’t speak those. Where do I live? One city of where they are spoken they don’t have any racism.
    I really don’t like white women or men. Do you see me I make a frown as when people look a creepy insects?

  85. Neat artical and responses. Being a chinese canadian boy growing up with girls from all backgrounds, I’ve noticed that I really do have a thing for caucasian girls. Now that im in my mid 20’s and after dating both asian and caucasian girls, I’ve noticed myself having this indescribable sexual tension towards causian women. Although I’m currently dating an asian girl as of this moment just b/c shes a total freak in the sac. Yet I often find myself thinking of my ex, who was a beautiful caucasian girl who can only be described as “freak in the sac lite”. And to be honest, my family has no objection so long as I’m happy.

  86. I’m in love with a Japanese boy named Brian, and I am as white as I can be! But there definitely are more women who love asian men.

  87. I totally agree with Mike up there. I’m generally attracted to white women and have dated them in the past. But I will never date white women who ONLY dates Asian men because it’s often these women who often make lines like it’s them who are into Asian men while Asian men are “too traditional” and “are not open enough.” While the reality is that most Asian men who come to the States, often come here with friendly curiosity about white women. But they often come to their realization that most of white women aren’t into Asian men. True, not “all” white women are like that but vast majority of white women whom Asian men encounter are pretty much like that. Enough for many Asian men to loose their friendly curiosity which they had in the first place.

    I also see lots of dishonesty among white women who like to claim that there are more white women who are into Asian men. But reality is, what these white women care more about is their chance of hooking up with Asian men by portraying white women as approachable people whom Asian men will maintain their hopes for possible relationship. While these white women claim to “like” Asian men, they seem to have very little consideration and willingness to understand what must have been like for Asian men to grew up in the country like the States where Asian men have been(by both media and white women themselves) considered as one of the most undesirable. One of biggest dishonest rhetorics from white women are that “they” like Asian men or their “friends” like Asian men as if that’s supposed to disqualify many Asian men’s experiences with manay white women in their lives, not to mention commonly agreed and shared experiences among Asian men about white women.

  88. An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a friend who has been doing a little homework on this. And he actually ordered me breakfast because I stumbled upon it for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending some time to talk about this issue here on your blog.

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  97. As an Asian guy that would love to date a non Asian girl, I have to say I am amazingly dense. I cannot for the life of me pickup on cues when someone is flirting with me until I am told afterwards Someone help me!!!

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