I was talking to a friend who’s a parent to two young children and he got around to sharing his Halloween plans with me. In a nutshell, he’s going to hand out “healthy” alternatives to the traditional candy/chocolate and take his kids trick-or-treating at the homes of other friends who were planning a more health-conscious Halloween celebration for their own children. It sounds like there’s a trend toward this movement as evidenced by articles like this and this offering tips on a healthier Halloween.

And to this, I can only say…What the Fuck?!!!

Look, I know childhood obesity and other issues related to kids eating too much junk is an epidemic in our country. And I get that I might feel differently if I were a parent myself, but…come on, it’s Halloween! If you’re a kid, the holiday should be about this:

It’s only one day out of the year so just chill out. One day when a kid can dress up and go around to the homes of total strangers and they have to give you candy and chocolate and other yummy treats or risk getting their house egged or a flaming bag of dog shit left on their door step. This is why Halloween was my favorite holiday as a kid. You can deny your kid his or her candy and other treats the other 364 days of the year, but on this one night, on October 31…damn it, think of the children! Won’t someone please think of the children?

Handing out carrot sticks or apples or healthy power bars is not a treat. In fact, that’s a sure way to completely ruin Halloween and traumatize your kids for the rest of their lives. It’d be like if I got a call from Megan Fox and she was horny and hot and asked me to come over right away and when I did, I realized that the woman who called me was actually a different “Megan Fox”—one who was born in 1903 and has been wrestling with a weight and body hair problem for her whole life. It’d be devastating.

How can you deny your children knowing that people in other country are literally risking everything for just one taste of something sweet and sugary (like this man in Iran who was recently sentenced to lose his hand for stealing chocolate)? Well, we live in America, and if we don’t get yummy candy and chocolate for Halloween, I guess the terrorists have won, haven’t they? Yeah, think about that and let it blow your mind.

So I implore parents reading this who are contemplating a “healthy” Halloween for their offspring to reconsider. Let them be bad for one day. What’s the worse that can happen? So they eat too much junk and get sick? It can’t be worse than this:


  1. The only acceptable substitute for CANDY is a nice warm cup of apple cider (if it’s cold out). But then again, with all of the psychos out there nowadays, I wouldn’t drink it.

    Remember to BE SAFE. Fire. Cars. Dogs. Visibility & being visible. Buddy/adult chaperone. Do NOT go inside anybody’s house. Do NOT eat anything until it has been screened/inspected back at home by an adult.

    Do local hospitals still offer to screen candy-loot as a public service?? Growing up….I always threw away anything that was “homemade”, or not “wrapped properly” and/or “soft”.

    My daughter (4 y/o) dislikes Halloween/costumes/etc…..but if she wanted to go Trick-or-Treating, I would probably throw ALL of her candy-loot in the trash and replace it with candy we bought ourselves, or perhaps with some other agreed upon prizes/substitutes.

    Yeah…..I’m a party-pooper. Cannot trust my fellow man anymore. Too many scary/demented people out there that get their jollies hurting innocent kids.

    I think in many communities it is now common to go to a pre-planned party or something like that instead of doing the traditional door-to-door candy quest.

    Good Luck!! 8-D

  2. …or hot chocolate.

  3. I think the trick is to limit sugar consumption the entire year, then, on candyfest holidays like Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter, their birthday party, and other kids’ birthday parties (it’s not just one day out of the year when you put it that way, huh?) it would be ok to up the limit a bit. People don’t give out good candy, anyway. Tootsie rolls? Who likes Tootsie rolls, seriously?

  4. Half the time, kids get sick of the candy and forget about it a few days later anyway, so you can throw it out then. This is a ritualized festival of putting the usually weakest members of our society on top and letting them be the big shots. It is for the stability of society that you partake.

  5. Well, if the sugar won’t get them, there’s the increase of wheat, milk, and nut allergies around the corner.