I was one of those girls that dreamed of my perfect funeral more than my perfect wedding. I figured (at the tender age of 12), a wedding was possible, but a funeral was a DONE DEAL! I was going to eventually die, and should my body not have spontaneously combusted, someone would have to deal with the disposal of me, right?
So imagine if you will, my untimely death will be followed by:
1. having my body on ice (too cheap to embalm!) making sure that the only parts of me you see are both my hands thrust upward from the the ice heap, both flashing a V for Victory! ala Richard Nixon.
2. having the ‘funeral’/party in a friend’s backyard (although I know most of my friends would probably object) or on the beach.
3. chocolate-covered gummi bears for everyone!!!!
4. the soundtrack will be a mix of songs such as: Smashing Pumpkins “1979”, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”, Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, Cody Chestnut’s “I Look Good in Leather”, and most importantly Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky”. Oh yes! (All attendees will also receive a free cd with aforementioned songs.)
5. open bar well stocked with soju, sake, port wine, vodka, Grand Marnier, Southern Comfort, and Sloe Gin. NO TEQUILA. EVER. For my last dying wish, I never want to be near tequila even in death.
6. One big vat of chocolate and one big untouched vat of orange Jell-o. Big enough for people to swim in. And yes, you all must swim in it. For me. My second dying wish. (Optional nakedness up to you.)
7. around 4pm, please extract my decomposing body from the ice to dry out a bit. Then at dusk, on a big floating pyre, please torch me and set me out to sea like the Vikings did. (In case this is illegal, you can just cremate me and throw my ashes in the ocean. However, if you feel like having fun, please do it BECAUSE it’s illegal. You know you want to! How many times in your life do you get to set your friend on fire? As the Dead Milkmen sang, “If you love somebody, better set them on fire!”)
8. once I’m out to sea, orgy by full moon (or no moon, who cares, it’s an orgy) for everyone! (Condoms and other prophylactics are made available. I like to leave behind a disease-free world.) If you don’t want to participate, you can keep the orgy in the blow-up moon bounce, and everyone else can play carom games as well as Connect-4 and Lite-Brites. And sliding down hills on pieces of cardboard! Optional water-fighting-muddy-wrestling-slip-and-slide! Make me proud!
9. everyone goes home with a can of Spam.
Does anybody else have a fantasy party?