Back in college, one of my architecture professors, Ralf Weber (a dour man from the former East Germany), upon seeing a female student break down crying during a crit, said in his thick deutsche accent, “Your friends and family will always praise your work, no matter how bad. What you need from me is honesty.” Oof. Again, the Germans: long on truth, short on tact.

With that in mind, I offer Justin a spoonful of truth.

Betty White is fine. Betty White is great. Betty White should bake you cookies. Betty White should knit you a scarf. Betty White should offer you some sage advice about which fork to use at dinner. But leave her out of the bedroom.

It’s not that folks over 60 shouldn’t be having sex. They shouldn’t – but I understand they do. Point is, leave her out of the bedroom so that there’s enough room left for the


Just a few, if I might:

Tina Turner (still has thighs that could crack a walnut; in truth, though, I would never want to get into the sack with her – way too intimidating, I couldn’t bear disappointing her so)

Catherine Deneuve (so regal you’d have to beg permission politely on one knee to pleasure her)

Debbie Harry (sure, some crazy ups and downs in the weight department, but goddamn, this is freakin’ Blondie we’re talking about! The twenty something girls who come to my bars are still attempting to get the two tone hair right, and they can’t. And as to those cheekbones – sorry, there’s no plastic surgeon in the world who can fake that)

Ann Margaret – yeah, I know, it’s a cheap shot. God simply produced her one day, and set the bar way too high. White hot sex kitten? Check. Girl next door? Check. Tomboy to play baseball with? Check. That’s the trifecta, and she hit it.

And then the man upstairs set the bar even higher with Audrey Hepburn, who is so classy and beautiful that she goes from being sexy to sexlessly ethereal then back to sexy all in the same two second leer.

I get the Betty White caring fun grandma thing, I do…well, sorta….okay, maybe I don’t. But I swear I’m not being GILF-ist. It’s just that…have you seen Ann Margaret lately?? I mean, besides the hair color, that woman has had no work done.

So, Justin, please give some thought to this gentle suggestion on helping you separate mommy issues from hey-mommy-you-sexy issues.

God knows what that boy would do alone in a room with Florence Henderson….


  1. And from what I heard, Greg Brady did just that. “High five!!”

  2. Ghahhh……

    I better not say a damn thing…cause I’m wayyyyy too close in age to some of the folks mentioned….

  3. But could I add Jane Seymour?

  4. Morgan Fairchild is the MILF for me.

  5. Thanks Alfredo, but where were these women on my Saturday nights growing up?

  6. I’m shocked no one has mentioned Heather Locklear. She could bitch-slap the hell outta me any day, not that I’m into that kinda stuff. Maybe.

  7. Catherine Deneuve? Oui! Cherchez le femme!
    Jennifer O’Neill and Barbara Bach put the “sexy” in sexagenarian.

  8. AYmen about Betty White. The older lady of the 1950s. Please Betty, lose 40 ugly ones, tighten it up, get a facelift (take it from me, it does wonders for you), and color your hair. There are plenty of cougars around, myself included, who are changing the lil olayhee image forever. I dont have a foto, shame, you could add me to the list. I’m an old rollerbabe, wear lowrise jeans (do em credit) and a flaming red mohawk and betty, you are setting our generation way back. No wonder they used you in a comical scene.