I don’t have chronic dry eyes, but I wish I did. I am in good health, yet I wish eye was not. For if I had a medical need for RESTASIS® Ophthalmic Emulsion to help increase my eyes’ natural ability to produce tears, I would have a legitimate, medical reason to make an appointment to visit the hottest, non-celebrity, civilian on TV commercials today – The Restasis Girl (aka Dr. Alison Tendler).

Unfortunately for me, my eyeballs work just fine.  In fact, they’re incredibly functional and have no problem ejaculating buckets of tears at the slightest hint of emotion.  Remember, I am an actor so I possess the ability to cry on command.  And when I’m not crying, my eyes lube effortlessly.  Uckfay.  I am not a candidate for Restasis.  Far from.  But the mere thought of possibly having The Restasis Girl (aka Dr. Alison Tendler) cup my cheeks as she stares deep into my eyes is reason enough for me to throw 6 pounds of dry sand into my baby browns or sit in front of a fan with my eyelids taped wide open for a month.  Perhaps not drinking any liquids for a week could give me chronic dry eyes.  Yes, massive dehydration would work with medical certainty.  But then again, I would probably die of thirst and would most likely not be at my sexiest as a dehydrated corpse in Dr. Tendler’s office (and arms).

if all doctors looked like this, i would try and get sick as much as possible

Yes, I am man enough to admit that The Restasis Girl (aka Dr. Alison Tendler) is currently tickling my fancy and engorging my mind.  To be a grown and married man-boy with a crush is nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s a natural thing.  Even when spoken for, a crush is not an adulterous act.  In fact, I’ve read that regular crushes are healthy and can be a positive compliment to one’s existing marriage or monogamous relationship.  At least that’s what they claim on Ashley Madison dot com.

I’ve had some fine crushes in the past.  Just ask Michelle Kwan or Yu-Na Kim.  We flirted hard – on and off the ice.

So, in honor of The Restasis Girl (aka Dr. Alison Tendler), I wish to write yet another love poem expressing my deepest respect for her unique abilities as an eye doctor and surgeon and her unsurpassed spiciness as a television seductress and girl next door.  Perhaps my fine prose will be enough to coax her from the safety of her clinic in Sioux Falls, South Dakota to the warm shores of the Pacific South West.  We, the vision impaired, can only wait and see…

An Ode to Restasis (girl)

Oh fuck, oh fuck
my eye, my eye

you’re so sexy on TV
that you make me cry

Dr. Alison Tendler, the Restasis girl
stop using so much gel in your hair, liberate your red curls

how is it possible that with an eye MD
so blindingly beautiful that i can no longer see

girls like you cannot exist
a perfect mind and body? God must cease and desist

your glare through the TV with your pouty lips so pursed
telling me of a medical condition i don’t have, oh my life is cursed

oh Dr. Alison Tendler, oh the Restasis girl
you deserve hearts, diamonds, and a necklace of pearls

so leave your pearch in South Dakota Falls
and come to LA where your biggest crush calls

oh Dr. Alison Tendler, the Restasis girl
come to LA to give China a whirl

my eye, my eye
so dry, so dry


  1. I find other people’s crushes oddly fascinating.

  2. you…nut….but a funny one at that.

  3. Bust that poem into a rap video. Hilarious.

  4. LOL!! Roger when she reads this ode sure she´ll loves you even if you haven´t dry eyes 😛

  5. Congratulations: you’ve found your muse!

  6. LOL! Rog, I cannot tell you how many times I have thought, “Geez, they found the best-looking eye doctor in the country for that TV spot.” It is amusing how much we are affected by looks.

  7. You are a beautiful woman. Your husband is a very lucky man. Best of luck in the future, I hope you go as far as you can on television.

  8. Seriously? Do you know how much it sucks to have eye problems? Id give it you if I could.. Restasis made me so sick nausea, headaches, dizziness and they dont even have the decency to include the real side effects that me and hundreds of people have had! Some ended up hospitalized and these were healthy people! It is absorbed thru the eye into your bloodstream I could taste it going down my throat and they claim all the side effects are in the eye. Can you say class action lawsuit? As for the actress did they just go find the hottest eye doctor and say please do this comercial?wtf

  9. I have to admit the poem is kinda sweet though!

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  17. She’s a fucking freak. Damn, you have fucked up taste in pussy.

  18. So much eyeliner. It’s a wonder she has not gone blind!

  19. I cant believe people are allowed to reply with such filthy language and we wonder why are children are in part such A mess.

  20. You all are blind! She is nothing to look at! Get your eyes checked!