I vowed that I would help my non-Asian female readers looking to snag an Asian man and I am as good as my word. Previously, I blogged about the things Asian guys needed to pretend to like to hook up with a white chick. Today for the non-Asian ladies on the prowl for some tender yellow meat, here are 10 things you need to pretend to like to get with an Asian American man:
1. PING PONG
Asian American guys need at least one sport that they’re better at then whites, blacks, Latinos and elderly people in order to feel secure in their manhood. For awhile there, it looked like it could’ve been golf or tennis, but that didn’t work out. There’s always competitive hot dog eating, but let’s be real—“I put 50 wieners in my mouth in 12 minutes” probably won’t get you laid…by a woman (and eating too many hot dogs might drive you to do crazy shit like this). So all that’s left is ping pong. It’ll take some work, but when your man is playing ping pong, stare at him with wonder and pride as if he were playing a “real” sport like basketball and he was a “real” athlete like Michael Jordan.
2. DISSING ASIAN WOMEN
If you are a non-Asian woman and you’re with an Asian American man, at some point, he will go off on a tirade against Asian women for being traitors and sell-outs because they date white dudes and other non-Asian males. Yeah, I realize it may be confusing and hypocritical considering you’re also non-Asian and he’s Asian American yet your man has no issues with you, but trust me, it makes perfect sense to him. In these moments, don’t try to reason with or contradict him, just agree with everything he says and occasionally interject with statements like, “Yes, you’re right, Asian women are whores with white cocks permanently embedded in their mouths.” And when this topic comes up, never utter the following words to your man in any context: “The Joy Luck Club,” “Soon-Yi” or “colorblind society.”
3. SHITTY MOVIES WITH “POSITIVE” ASIAN MALE CHARACTERS
Hollywood rarely produces movies with Asian men in the leading roles, but when they do, you can be sure that it will most likely be the most God awful film ever made. Yes, there are exceptions like the Harold and Kumar franchise, but seriously—have you watched Romeo Must Die? Bulletproof Monk? The Tuxedo? But even if these movies suck and the Asian males in them are completely asexual, you need to understand that it’s all Asian American men have. So the next time you turn on TBS and you see Jackie Chan fighting his…uh, tuxedo while not having sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt, take one for the team and watch the damn thing, won’t you?
4. BODY HAIR-LESSNESS
I once went on a date with a chick who said she loved guys with body hair—not just normal body hair, but gorillas in the mist/Robin Williams level body hair. Boy, was she barking up the wrong hair-less tree. Unless they’re Okinawan or South Asian (or any other dark variety of “pseudo-Asian”), Asian men do not have body hair (see how long it took my fellow Offender Roger just to grow this moustache that still only resembled a small, dead fly on his upper lip). Hell, there are chicks who have more body hair than Asian men (yes, women of the Chechen Republic, I’m looking at you)! So if you don’t like guys whose whole body resembles a newborn babe’s smooth ass, you better learn to fake it.
5. COMIC BOOKS
For many Asian guys growing up in America, comic books were their only companions; their best friends. The Batman was their wise mentor, the Hulk their private bodyguard, Wonder Woman their first girlfriend (yes, that explains why the pages of the Wonder Woman comics in his closet are stuck together). You’ll improve your chances of winning over your Asian American man if you can name all the X-Men and their respective mutant powers, explain what gold kryptonite does to Superman and not question the logic of the whole Iron Man/roller skating thing. Bone up on your comic book trivia now so when your man says something like, “I can’t believe DC Comics killed off Ryan Choi a.k.a. the Chinese American Atom!” You can respond appropriately by saying, “I feel your pain, but look at the bright side. At least the superhero with the smallest penis is no longer Asian.”
6. KELLY CLARKSON
Your Asian American man can deny it all he wants, but if you go through his iPod, you’ll find a bunch of Kelly Clarkson tracks (*cough* Justin *cough*). If not Kelly Clarkson, then definitely Celine Dion (*cough* Roger *cough*) or Taylor Swift or Sarah McLachlan or Trisha Yearwood or any number of non-threatening, blandly white female pop artists. What’s the reason for this? Hell if I know or care.
7. CUP O’ NOODLES
We all know chicks dig guys who can cook, but if your Asian American man says he’s a culinary wiz, he is either lying, Martin Yan or gay. Men don’t cook in the Asian culture. There are all these wise, ancient Oriental proverbs about how a man’s penis will fall off if he steps foot in a kitchen. So is it any wonder that an Asian American man’s perfect food is Cup O’ Noodles? It’s convenient, easy to prepare and goes with anything. The Asian American man’s second most perfect food? Spam. And you know what goes well with Spam? Cup O’ Noodles. Now that’s a party in your mouth that everyone’s invited to! Damn, I’m hungry now, time for a quick break…
Koreatown, Chinatown, Little Saigon, Thai Town, etc… This is the natural domain of the Asian American male. This is where he’s the top dog, the bad ass, the most desirable. Here, he is Superman. Everywhere else, he is Clark Kent (see how handy the comic book knowledge can be). Here, he is fashionable and hip. Everywhere else, he is “Yo Long Duk Dong, nice haircut. What size bowl you use?” Here, his dick is average to above average in size. Everywhere else, his dick is “Man, we’re gonna need the microscope to measure this.” Here, he is treated the way hot Asian chicks are in the white man’s world. Everywhere else, he is treated the way, well, Asian guys are in the white man’s world. Such is the tragically schizophrenic existence of the Asian American male.
9. EGO REINFORCEMENT
By now you’ve probably noticed a pattern emerging about how it can be…emasculating to be an Asian American male. So you better get used to stroking and massaging your man’s ego ‘cause he’s going to need it. Start by practicing the following phrases over and over in front of the mirror until you can say them with a straight face: “Oh God, no, I’ve seen much, much smaller,” “I may have been staring at Taylor Lautner’s abs, but I was thinking of your personality” and “Wow, you’re so good at ping pong! You are to ping pong what Tiger Woods is to golf banging skanky whores.”
Do Asian American men like to gamble? Is Aquaman’s ass watertight? Is a standard ping pong table 9 ft x 5 ft x 30 inches high? Are all Asian women traitorous sell-outs? If your Asian man lives within 300 miles of a casino, your relationship is immediately on shaky ground. If that casino serves a complimentary all-you-can-eat buffet, you’re in for some serious heart-break. If that casino also includes headline performances by Celine Dion and/or Kelly Clarkson, there is no future. Get out now!