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I vowed that I would help my non-Asian female readers looking to snag an Asian man and I am as good as my word. Previously, I blogged about the things Asian guys needed to pretend to like to hook up with a white chick. Today for the non-Asian ladies on the prowl for some tender yellow meat, here are 10 things you need to pretend to like to get with an Asian American man:

1. PING PONG

Asian American guys need at least one sport that they’re better at then whites, blacks, Latinos and elderly people in order to feel secure in their manhood. For awhile there, it looked like it could’ve been golf or tennis, but that didn’t work out. There’s always competitive hot dog eating, but let’s be real—“I put 50 wieners in my mouth in 12 minutes” probably won’t get you laid…by a woman (and eating too many hot dogs might drive you to do crazy shit like this). So all that’s left is ping pong. It’ll take some work, but when your man is playing ping pong, stare at him with wonder and pride as if he were playing a “real” sport like basketball and he was a “real” athlete like Michael Jordan.

2. DISSING ASIAN WOMEN

If you are a non-Asian woman and you’re with an Asian American man, at some point, he will go off on a tirade against Asian women for being traitors and sell-outs because they date white dudes and other non-Asian males. Yeah, I realize it may be confusing and hypocritical considering you’re also non-Asian and he’s Asian American yet your man has no issues with you, but trust me, it makes perfect sense to him. In these moments, don’t try to reason with or contradict him, just agree with everything he says and occasionally interject with statements like, “Yes, you’re right, Asian women are whores with white cocks permanently embedded in their mouths.” And when this topic comes up, never utter the following words to your man in any context: “The Joy Luck Club,” “Soon-Yi” or “colorblind society.”

3. SHITTY MOVIES WITH “POSITIVE” ASIAN MALE CHARACTERS

Hollywood rarely produces movies with Asian men in the leading roles, but when they do, you can be sure that it will most likely be the most God awful film ever made. Yes, there are exceptions like the Harold and Kumar franchise, but seriously—have you watched Romeo Must Die? Bulletproof Monk? The Tuxedo? But even if these movies suck and the Asian males in them are completely asexual, you need to understand that it’s all Asian American men have. So the next time you turn on TBS and you see Jackie Chan fighting his…uh, tuxedo while not having sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt, take one for the team and watch the damn thing, won’t you?

4. BODY HAIR-LESSNESS

I once went on a date with a chick who said she loved guys with body hair—not just normal body hair, but gorillas in the mist/Robin Williams level body hair. Boy, was she barking up the wrong hair-less tree. Unless they’re Okinawan or South Asian (or any other dark variety of “pseudo-Asian”), Asian men do not have body hair (see how long it took my fellow Offender Roger just to grow this moustache that still only resembled a small, dead fly on his upper lip). Hell, there are chicks who have more body hair than Asian men (yes, women of the Chechen Republic, I’m looking at you)! So if you don’t like guys whose whole body resembles a newborn babe’s smooth ass, you better learn to fake it.

5. COMIC BOOKS

For many Asian guys growing up in America, comic books were their only companions; their best friends. The Batman was their wise mentor, the Hulk their private bodyguard, Wonder Woman their first girlfriend (yes, that explains why the pages of the Wonder Woman comics in his closet are stuck together). You’ll improve your chances of winning over your Asian American man if you can name all the X-Men and their respective mutant powers, explain what gold kryptonite does to Superman and not question the logic of the whole Iron Man/roller skating thing. Bone up on your comic book trivia now so when your man says something like, “I can’t believe DC Comics killed off Ryan Choi a.k.a. the Chinese American Atom!” You can respond appropriately by saying, “I feel your pain, but look at the bright side. At least the superhero with the smallest penis is no longer Asian.”

6. KELLY CLARKSON

Your Asian American man can deny it all he wants, but if you go through his iPod, you’ll find a bunch of Kelly Clarkson tracks (*cough* Justin *cough*). If not Kelly Clarkson, then definitely Celine Dion (*cough* Roger *cough*) or Taylor Swift or Sarah McLachlan or Trisha Yearwood or any number of non-threatening, blandly white female pop artists. What’s the reason for this? Hell if I know or care.

7. CUP O’ NOODLES

We all know chicks dig guys who can cook, but if your Asian American man says he’s a culinary wiz, he is either lying, Martin Yan or gay. Men don’t cook in the Asian culture. There are all these wise, ancient Oriental proverbs about how a man’s penis will fall off if he steps foot in a kitchen. So is it any wonder that an Asian American man’s perfect food is Cup O’ Noodles? It’s convenient, easy to prepare and goes with anything. The Asian American man’s second most perfect food? Spam. And you know what goes well with Spam? Cup O’ Noodles. Now that’s a party in your mouth that everyone’s invited to! Damn, I’m hungry now, time for a quick break…

8. KOREATOWN

Koreatown, Chinatown, Little Saigon, Thai Town, etc… This is the natural domain of the Asian American male. This is where he’s the top dog, the bad ass, the most desirable. Here, he is Superman. Everywhere else, he is Clark Kent (see how handy the comic book knowledge can be). Here, he is fashionable and hip. Everywhere else, he is “Yo Long Duk Dong, nice haircut. What size bowl you use?” Here, his dick is average to above average in size. Everywhere else, his dick is “Man, we’re gonna need the microscope to measure this.” Here, he is treated the way hot Asian chicks are in the white man’s world. Everywhere else, he is treated the way, well, Asian guys are in the white man’s world. Such is the tragically schizophrenic existence of the Asian American male.

9. EGO REINFORCEMENT

By now you’ve probably noticed a pattern emerging about how it can be…emasculating to be an Asian American male. So you better get used to stroking and massaging your man’s ego ‘cause he’s going to need it. Start by practicing the following phrases over and over in front of the mirror until you can say them with a straight face: “Oh God, no, I’ve seen much, much smaller,” “I may have been staring at Taylor Lautner’s abs, but I was thinking of your personality” and “Wow, you’re so good at ping pong! You are to ping pong what Tiger Woods is to golf banging skanky whores.”

10. GAMBLING

Do Asian American men like to gamble? Is Aquaman’s ass watertight? Is a standard ping pong table 9 ft x 5 ft x 30 inches high? Are all Asian women traitorous sell-outs? If your Asian man lives within 300 miles of a casino, your relationship is immediately on shaky ground. If that casino serves a complimentary all-you-can-eat buffet, you’re in for some serious heart-break. If that casino also includes headline performances by Celine Dion and/or Kelly Clarkson, there is no future. Get out now!

36 Comments

  1. you make it sound like liking kelly clarkson is a bad thing?

    i make it a point to watch ‘from justin to kelly’ once a month

  2. You forgot The Magnetic Fields.

  3. Phillip, you’re killing us.LOL!!! Great stuff!!! Btw, I don’t believe Aquaman’s ass is watertight because if it was how would he maintain his symbiotic relationships with small fish, crustaceans and other parasites? Are all asian women traitorous sell-outs? Long answer is: only the ones who don’t learn from their mistakes and repeat history way too many times over esp. when their offsprings make the same mistakes they do because their asses aren’t watertight, no wait a minute, that’s not the reason they accept backdoor packages and religiously shave their cooch. Would love to watch “From Justin to Kelly” on mute, on a waterbed with a hot real blonde with real ta-tas from Europe.

  4. Ryan Choi – aka “The Chinese American Atom”

    never in history has an asian had such a high degree of eye slant nor has science ever measures such eye slits. no wonder he died. he probably couldn’t see

  5. Non-Asian women don’t have to pretend to like Cup O’Noodles…they have to pretend to like cooking for the Asian man so that he won’t have to resort to Cup O’Noodles, which he likes too but only late at night.

  6. i’m just glad okinawans got a mention, even if it’s due to our hobbit-like features

  7. Love the Okinawan guy on Geico commercials.

  8. Well this sucks. I’m 100% Asian and hairier than a Sasquatch with a wool sweater. Particularly problematic is my groinal area, which you I must religiously trim lest the hair get inadvertently tugged in the wrong direction on a particularly humid day.

  9. 11. Badminton – Just so I could use “Shuttlecock” in a sentence.

  10. This is really funny stuff but yet it’s so true. thanks for keeping it real 🙂

  11. So true about #6. In my case, Avril Lavigne, Michelle Branch, Gwen Stefani – love them!

  12. @PAM

    “Would love to watch “From Justin to Kelly” on mute, on a waterbed with a hot real blonde with real ta-tas from Europe.”

    this too is what i want

  13. Where did you find that picture you have under “body hair”, and is it real??

  14. Highly entertaining – definitely going to forward this on via the glory of social media.

    As a white girl with extensive experience in the field of dating the Asian male, I find the Mz Clarkson observation incisive. He would have Taylor Swift on loop whilst I download Epik High.

    No judging.
    Ah, hell – ok judge away.

    In addition: I have found in my experience that the ability to make suitably milky sweet tea – (proper ??, more specifically) also goes a loooong way to fostering excellent AsianMale – CaucasianFemale bilateral relations 😉

    lots of love (and TWO THUMBS UP on this addictive site) from –

    Gia.

  15. Hahahaha. I like it.

    Though I must disagree with AM not knowing how to cook properly.

    Also, I am currently watching The Tuxedo…It’s not that bad…?

  16. Forget the 10 things list. There’s only ONE thing Non-Asian chicks need to pretend to like to score with Asian American guys, and that’s Asian American guys. Now this rule goes DOUBLE for Asian American chicks who want to score with Asian American guys.

  17. #1 made me laugh. I could use some pin pong skills. I hope i find an AA male to teach me.
    #2 Dissing Asian women isn’t my thing. I can understand why some Asian men would need their time to vent. That should also include other Asians. If you date a Vietnamese he hates the Chinese. if You date a Korean he will hate the Japanese. If you date a Filipino he thinks he’s the shit and everyone else sucks. etc…
    #3 Jackie Chan is ok but I prefer Jet Li non-American movies.
    #4 I’m Puerto Rican, Black, Italian, Spanish European mixed with honey brown skin. And probably a couple of other things. Just with the Latin heritage alone makes my family hairy little euros. I prefer Asian men with little body hair.
    #5 I like comic books and some animes(you can slap me for saying that one). I’m no expert but going to comic con dress as some character doesn’t feel strange. I have my super nerd moments.
    #6 Kelly Clarkson then don’t hate if I listen to Kat-Tun and 2pm….not know what the hell their saying
    #7 I love Cup O’ Noodles that is good shit.
    #8 Korea town, China town, Thai Town, Lil Vietnam count me in I love Asian cuisine more than American.My friends and family are annoyed how I prefer Asian food over Latin.
    #9 EGO REINFORCEMENT YES I notice Asian men needs this A LOT. Especially when it comes to down below. For the record your size really doesn’t matter its the girth. I’ll pick short and fat any day over long and slim. If some non-Asian girl stress about size she is a whore.
    #10 That’s true even AA women like to gamble. My brother’s girl is Vietnamese and she likes to gamble. She even got him to do it also. I think its fine with moderation.

    If AA men want to date non-Asian women I think that is cool. As long they don’t act like fools and mistake arrogance for confidence. be open minded to her cultural especially when it comes to Black women.

    What you see on MTV and in rap videos IS NOT how most Black women behave. Just like in American movies not all Asian men are Asexual. Not all Black girls come from the hood.

  18. LOL-this is too funny! 😀 I love Celine Dion so that’s not going to be hard for me 🙂

    Well, I’m not Asian American, but actually African American and yeah I’m going to say it-I love guys of the Asian persuasion (do not worry my brothas I still love you all too 😉 ). I find the 2nd one to be a little bit interesting. Out of curiosity, for #2-is it mainly older Asian American guys that have this venting or does this also include Asian American guys that are young adults? I’m asking because I’m a college freshman and I don’t really see angst among people in my age demographic that involves people dating others outside of their race.

    On a side note-here is how you can score me (it really doesn’t apply to black women in general-just this chick here): if you have an appreciation (or love) of motown music (and have some songs like that on ur ipod, mp3 what have you) that is a check plus. 🙂 Now I think this one can apply to sistas-if you are familiar with the movie and or book The Color Purple (and liked it) that would look good on you too. If you know about the movie Waiting to Exhale-bonus points (but that is not a fav for the brothas though-I think it will be easy to say for me it’s kind of like that is to brothas what The Joy Luck Club is to Asian guys). If you liked Set It Off that’s a plus. I don’t think it would be wise to mention Tyler Perry movies now-if it were a few years ago-great! But now, I think I’d keep it to myself…
    If you want to go to some areas that have sophisticated and lovely African American women, go to Atlanta, Georgia, Chicago, New York, D.C is a good suggestion too.

  19. Soooooo true about #2. These Asian hootchies love to talk sh&t about Asian men. They have a lot of nerve with their pancake azz and tiitts. Good, let them have all of those old white pedophile buzzards. More hot azz Asian guys for me.

  20. So awesome! I am a white girl with yellow-fever thanks for all the helpful tips ;D … I gotta say my friends are so surprised and laugh at me because I love Spam and Cup O Noodles lol…..

  21. LOL @ “Korea/China/Viet/Japan/Thai/etc.-Town”.

    Every male is basically looking for the system they can be alpha in. Or at least just non-marginalized.

    And unfortunately for APA males, that’s basically only Asian communities.

  22. @Roxy.

    LOL!!!! I love your attitude! I personally don’t need non-Asian women to bash Asian women for dating white men. I have no problems about that. However, I do get really turn on by non-Asian women (with touch of arrogance) bashing Asian women for no apparent reason except for the fact that she knows that she’s a better woman than Asian woman because she took me away from Asian women. Saying things like “They have lot of nerve with their pancake azz and titts” is REALLY a turn on. I also get turn on by non-Asian wome who are fully aware of the fact that they have better bodies than Asian women and admits it. That is SO SEXY!

  23. Wow, superb blog layout! How lengthy have you ever been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your website is great, let alone the content material!

  24. All I know is that when I am with Asian girls we both go of bashing Asian guys, especially after good sex.

    The good old days, before I finally learned my lesson when the last four cheated on me and took a spent a large portion of my savings.

    I date all women now, except Asian. I am over my yellow fever and feeling like a god.

  25. Good article (:

  26. As a non-asian lady who dated an asian-american male for a very long time, this reminded me of the good and not-so-good times. In my case, I would say billiards instead of ping-pong (either way, both involve a table, balls, and something to hit the balls with ;)) and I would add patience for all night video-computer game playing. SIGH! I do miss the hairlessness. That was always a plus in my book. Great list!

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  28. This is a load of shit, lol’ First off Im an Asian American Male, and would back up Asian girls till the end. Ping Pong is a stupid ass game. All the “Asian” people I know dont know shit about it. How bout Boxing with Manny Pacquiao? MMA with Cung Le as Strikeforce middle weight Champion?Muay Thai Kick Boxing Champ, Buakaw? And Hollywood always cast Asian males as non english speaking kung fu guy or a nerd on the piano so fuck youre logic. And Lastly body hair is nasty ass shit. Thats why you fucker always secretly wax. This page is full of Racist undertones.

  29. @Mike

    Would you be able to say that Asian girls would back you up till the end?

    As for your other comments, I totally agree with everything you have to say.

  30. People need to get the fuck over racism, and the double standards behind it. Everyone always whines about being picked on when it comes to bashing against their ethnicity/race whatever you wish to call it, but are the first to get in line to jeer or ignore it happening to someone else. Fucking WAHHH. Get over it.

    As for everything else, it based purely off of upbringing and personal experience (which is indirect upbringing). I’ve seen hairy Asians. It’s a thing. If you like hairy, and you like Asian, it’s possible to find. Also, penis size depends on the female. Personally, as long as he knows what he’s doing, it should be fine. I’d rather have an average joe with experience and precision over some brute with a big dick punching through my kegel muscles like a caveman destroying my inner walls.

    @Mike: It’s fucking stupid to generalize ‘backing Asian women up’. There are bad women and men in every color and nationality. Just because someone was born Asian doesn’t mean they’re a submissive punk-ass bitch, smart, and horrible at anything that doesn’t have to do with video games, math, or ping-pong. (I’ll have to agree that that is a dumb sport though…right up there with curling)

    Advice for anyone looking for someone else to chill with: Make sure their personalities, character, and morals don’t horribly clash with yours. As cheesy as that may seem, while you’re laughing my comment up thinking I’m just a dumb bitch who doesn’t know what she’s talking about, please, reminisce about your previous relationships. More than likely, if you are here, they didn’t work out, and you are still unsatisfied. When you become the fucking buddha of how relationships work, and have been in on for more than just a couple of years successfully, perhaps then you may laugh at me.

    Yeah, I like Asian guys. They have their physical appeal. But if we clash too much when it comes to a relationship (including friendship) then peace out. I don’t have the time for people that I’m so incompatible with. So really, for everyone, it comes down to things you can’t tell just by looking at someone. Stop assuming shit about others, people. It’s only going to get you in trouble.

  31. chill out mikey. he’s just joking. it’s called self deprecating humor.

  32. Interesting article. Single 5’11 tall Asian dude here in California. If you are single White or Latina, let’s be friend…

    email me at ->>> [email protected]

    Highly stereotyping.

    1. I don’t play pingpong. I swim, kayak, and play badminton. Tennis court and swimming pool are 100 feet away from my home.

    2. I don’t diss Asian Women or Any Women.

    3. True to the fact, Asian blockbuster movies stays away from sex themes.

    4. Yeah, we are body hairlessness.

    5. I like comic books but don’t collect any of them. No poster. Not a fanatic.

    6. Not a fanatic in music.

    7. Haha, instant noodle. I hope that you enjoy cook.

    8. I do visit Chinatown and Little Saigon. Haven’t know any Thai Town. Not a fan of Korean or Japan town with their high price item for the same thing in other Asian town.

    9. EGO REINFORCEMENT – Just don’t make me look bad. I like hug and kiss.

    10. GAMBLING – I don’t gamble.

  33. Bad article and horrible stereotypes. Times have changed dumbass. Im asian and I find this article damn offensive. Go screw yourself for tricking non aisian girls with this load of shit. Im asian and american and I could care less about what skin color has what sport. Mines are basketball, football, wrestling(school ones),soccer, and baseball. This is why this generation so screwed. You know who uses a damn ipod anymore? Check my playlist and youll see I have singers/genre from jason derulo, cassedee pope, tim mcgraw, nicki minaj, classical, hip hop, RnB. And we arent in the past when women cook alright. Cooking is a valuable skill and of course your a lazy ass asian that probably sits on the couch drinking beer watching ping pong tournament. When my girlfriend ask me if I want a sandwhich ill say yes and wait till she goes into the kitchen then sneak up behind her and put my arms around her waisr and say why dont we both make one for each other. Thats what should happen. I know how to cook and cook for her just as many times as she has. Majority of the time we cook together and its really fun. Gambling? Shit i saw all my mom’s boyfriend do that and it pises me the fuck off. Closes thing to gambling i ever got was talking to my friends and saying “i bet..” but we rarely actually bet. Saving your money is more smart.Theres more to say but im done. you show that asians can be a fuckin idiot that has shit for brains. Wish there was a actual site that helps non asian girls. And the reason some asian date non asian is because we want diversity. Change in flavor. Whats the point if she likes what I like. Im better off marrying myself then if I wanted someone that likes everything I like.

  34. Well this is kinda weird. You make it so like asian girls are misguided. Cup noodles? There are a bunch of great chefs in asia and america you know that are guys. They are excellent in culinary. Whats up with this website. Even the website name is racist enough. Hope karma kicks the living crap out of you. False apinformarion man. Unbelievable wirh the responses. If it was humor I think he would state it.