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Once again, I’m back with more advice for my Asian and Asian American brothas who are looking to knock boots with some hot white chick. Sometimes great ecstasy must be preceded by equally great pain. In this case, you may need to pretend to like the things she does; and believe me when I say a lot of the things she likes will be diametrically opposed to your Asian male breeding and nature. But if you want to taste of that sweet white meat, you better get used to liking (or pretending to like) the following:

1. CHAMOMILE TEA

Is there another beverage in existence that’s duller than chamomile tea? (That was a rhetorical question, BTW) Chamomile tea is the liquid equivalent of a 5-hour lecture on “the quantum physics of mathematical theory in 15th century Germanic literature” delivered by some 50-year-old virginal egghead at an Ivy League institution. No wonder people drink this stuff when they want to fall asleep.

2. FILMS BASED ON THE NOVELS OF JANE AUSTEN

Don’t be fooled by the fact that these movies usually star hotties like Anne Hathaway or Keira Knightley. No one gets naked in them, in fact, all the chicks wear corsets and dresses that cover their bodies from their necks all the way down to their feet. These are usually 2+ hour films where the head-strong but socially repressed heroine sits around with other proper British folk in lavish castles, sips chamomile tea and is unable to share her true feelings about the dude she likes because if she did, God forbid, the movie would only be five minutes long. You’ll be praying that Knightley’s character’s great great great grandson will send a terminator from the future to kill everyone so the movie will end already, but alas, your prayers will go unanswered.

3. GOSSIP GIRL

This is the whitest show on TV so you better believe your white woman watches it and will expect you to as well. Unfortunately, scientific studies have proven that if you’re not white, it’s impossible to sit through a whole episode without getting physically ill. But there’s actually no need to watch the show. Whenever your white woman wants to discuss last night’s episode, just say “Can you believe what Blair did to Serena?” or “Can you believe what happened between Chuck and Nate?” or any combination of the above and you’ll be fine.

4. ORGANIC FOOD

Yes, I know it’s healthy for you. And yes, I know it’s also good for the environment. But damnit, we’re Asian men and we need our all-you-can-eat Korean bbq!

5. POETRY READINGS

What’s worse than eating organic food and drinking chamomile tea? Eating organic food and drinking chamomile tea while at a poetry reading! There may be worse things to sit through than a two-hour epic poem recited by a smelly, skirt-wearing white dude in dreds, but I can’t think of any. Well, at least anything that doesn’t involve water boarding or getting your penis chopped off by a machete.

6. SHARING YOUR FEELINGS AFTER SEX

True, Asian chicks want post-coital conversation too. But usually you can shut them up by promising to take them shopping at the Louis Vuitton store in the morning if they’ll just let you sleep in peace. But with white chicks, this strategy could end up backfiring. She may accuse you of thinking she’s materialistic and shallow. Nope, you have no choice but to lay there and listen to her as she talks about her day, the bitch at work she can’t stand, and her hopes and dreams for the future. If you find it difficult to pay attention during her non-stop gabbing, occasionally nod and interject with statements like “you know I’m here for you” or “I feel the same way” or “you go, girl!” and she’ll never know you’ve zoned out.

7. TINY DOGS SHE CAN CARRY AROUND IN HER PURSE

If your white woman is an animal lover, chances are her pet of choice will be one of the breeds of dogs that are small enough to carry around in her purse. And believe me when I say she’ll carry that little bitch with her everywhere she goes. So you better get used to competing with her pooch for her attention. And when you and your white woman are making sweet love and she leaves her doggie bag on the nightstand next to your bed, get use to the sight of her dog glaring back at you with an expression that says “I’m a gonna bust a cap on your ass, motherfucka!”

8. ASIAN AMERICAN STUDIES

If she’s a white chick and she’s dating your ass, you can bet she’s a bleeding heart liberal (or rebelling against her racist, conservative parents a.k.a. she’s going to be a wildcat in bed) and she’ll insist on understanding and learning more about your pain and struggles as an Asian American. So be prepared to dust off those old Maxine Hong Kingston novels and term papers comparing the internment of Japanese Americans to either the Nazi concentration camps or the treatment of Arab Americans after 9/11 depending on how old you are. But the good thing is–you can use her white guilt to your advantage as in “Baby, the weight of 100 years of white oppression is getting too much to bear so I think I need a blow job.”

9. HORSES

Horses are to girls what cars are to boys. And if your girl is a white chick, I can guarantee you that she grew up wishing for a pony and still dreams of mounting and riding a magnificent wild stallion—the large, throbbing beast between her legs bobbing up and down as it thrusts forward, rubbing against her sweaty and tingling thighs, sending her into fits of pure bliss unlike anything she’s ever felt before. Wait, hold on a sec…maybe this one isn’t such a bad thing.

10. HAVING SEX IN PUBLIC PLACES

As wild and crazy as you think you are, you’re still an Asian American male and have a lifetime of sexual repression to work through. So when your white woman suggests spicing up your love life and having sex in the park or on the subway or on the bed in the middle of the showroom at Mattress Brothers, you’re just going to have to suck it up and oblige her. But what will be even more disturbing is when your mother calls you a week later to tell you how she found naked internet pictures of you and your white woman going at it on the golf course. Whatever you do, don’t ask your mom why she was doing a google search of your name plus the keywords “fellatio” and “golf balls.” You don’t want to know the answer.

40 Comments

  1. Once again, I must be the exception to the rule of white women. Most of those things don’t interest me at all. Except I do eat organic fruits and veggies. Especially now that I am pregnant again. And I listen and show interest when my husband talks about Asian American issues, but I don’t push it. I am definitely interested in learning more, but I love my husband for who he is, not what he is.

  2. all those things are doable, except the horse. horses are very expensive and tend to shit the carpet

  3. LOL!! That was the best read of the week!

  4. The picture of the two stuffed animals in bed with the cigarette is the best!

  5. The first five are pretty specific to white women, although Gossip Girl is before my generation, so I’ll take your word for it that they go goo-goo gaga over that show.

    But all women have the latter five characteristics. I had to share my feelings before, during and after sex, I’ve had to deal with tiny pooches in purses, and yes sex in public places. Didn’t matter which race.

  6. I’m not even going to touch this one.

  7. @Mina, oh, if I had a dime for every woman who’s ever said that…

  8. Is this coming from experience? I actually like all of the above yet have not gotten any. I thought you of all people would understand the joys of quantum physics or Jane Austen.

  9. effin hilarious

  10. LMFAO The last time I laughed so much reading from beginning to end of ANYTHING before this entry was about a decade ago when I learned of what Donkey Punches, Dirty Sanchezes, etc. were.

    Kudos!

    Peace.

  11. You can get a more complete list from Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com.

  12. That’s all true, but I hate tiny dogs and never wanted a public sex.
    Where do you find such facts???

  13. Hilarity in text! Most of these are so true it hurts, especially #6.

    I’ll add a couple more:
    Going for walks/hiking. White women looove this for some reason. I’m a city boy and if I want to be one with nature I’ll flip on Discovery Channel, dammit.

    Drinking. Especially at cheesy tropical themed bars, probably cause it reminds them of spring breaks back in college. The plus side is it’s easy for her to get my baboon-red face/ass drunk and have her way with me.

    Antiquing. No road trip is complete without a stop by a roadside stand for fresh berries or rustic shop of old furniture. Woman, an 19th century end table might be old to you, but in China we use 500-year-old stone carvings to crack walnuts.

    John Mayer, et al. Damn if white chicks don’t love cheesy acoustic sensitive douchebag music. Can’t they invent a wave-canceling car stereo that plays 2 songs at once?

    Conservative relatives. No matter how enlightened your Whole Foods-shopping chickadee might be, most are probably only one or two generations removed from redneck hill people. Fun times at family reunions in the boonies, where her dad/uncle/grandpa has a collection of rifles passed down for eons, as in before people needed a permit for such things. You know that that means – no need for a shotgun wedding because there’s just the unregistered, untraceable shotgun.

    Toyota pickups. There’s still a vestigial part of her psyche that fantasizes about cowboys, life on the farm away from the city and minorities, horses (see above) and manly Marlboro men. But if you’re Asian and wearing a ten gallon hat while driving a Chevy Silverado 2500 Heavy Duty, you’ll look like you’re trying waaay too hard. Thank god for mid-size Japanese trucks.

    Prescription meds/therapy. If Asians sought treatment for psychological problems or any medical malady short of a severed limb, their parents would promptly tell them to suck it up and stop being such an extraordinary wuss. The Asian remedy for ADD is to beat you until you can’t do anything but gingerly prop a book in front of your face and study.

    Buying tampons. For some reason, Asian chicks just don’t like sticking a cotton dildo up their hoohas. Get ready to familiarize yourself with a whole new category of feminine hygiene products.

    I’m sure there are more if I mine the sadness of my youth.

  14. “True, Asian chicks want post-coital conversation too. But usually you can shut them up by promising to take them shopping at the Louis Vuitton store in the morning if they’ll just let you sleep in peace.”

    OUCH!!!!

  15. All of these except 10 are guaranteed to get you in the “friend zone”.

  16. Oh come on, Asian chicks are WAY more into small dogs as accessories than whites. Stock of the high-maintenance, gold-digger princess: why make a man buy couture just for you, when you can make him buy it for your dog too?

    Honestly, this whole list applies to only a tiny subset of white women – the Sex and the City Charlottes of the world. As a white chick who has mostly dated Asian guys, these lists are hilarious – but not particularly useful.

  17. YES I agree with all those if you want a total blank ethnic white girl then by all means follow those to a tee! However i hope you come up with some rules to follow for white chicks who already have yellow fever

  18. Pretty funny, for the stereotyping. I migrated to Australia as a 12 year-old and all my GFs (historical & current) are Caucasian (with one exception, the 1st one). The question of ethnicity doesn’t seem to exist for them.

    Current GF comment to me is as follow:

    “I never thought of you as Asian, just as a (ahem…sounds like i’m blowing smoke up my own a*se here) cool, good looking guy, but if you turned out to be a jerk i would have dumped your ass”

    The very fact that this is a worthy topic of discussion seems to betray the latent racial tension in the purportedly great melting pot that is America.

    To put it another way, inter-racial relationships in Australia is not all that remarkable for us Aussies. Recent census here revealed that about 60% or more of second generation migrants to Australia marries outside their ethnic group. I still count my blessings that my dad, purely by accident or circumstance, chosen Australia instead of North America.

  19. I disagree with everything on this list! 😛

  20. Umm…I live on a farm and have 3 horses of my own, they aren’t that great. Sorry to destroy the dreams of a thousand women out there everywhere. Also, dogs that are small enough to be stores in a bag are small enough to be punted out the window. [I am typing this while my 20 pound multipoo (toy poodle/maltese mix) dog has climbed into my mothers carry on. Insert eye roll here.]

  21. asians are delusional.

  22. As an Asian man, I must say this is hilarious! This is the first time I came to this blog and I will have to say I agree with almost everything here. Except for having a little dog in her purse. You make it sounds like vast majority of white women are like Paris Hilton.

    Also reading this made me think why I had so many lucks with white women than most of Asian men out there. Because these ten lists that Asian men are suppose to hate are things that I like. How can anyone not like film based upon Jane Austen? I love any movie with 19th Century (if not more previous age) background. I honestly think I was an European in my past life. Poetry reading? Do most of Asian men really don’t like poetry? This is how I hook up with white women – through art or cultural gathering.

    One thing I would also like to add about white women whom I find it to be very distinguishing and is plus for any Asian men who want to have better impression from white women are FOOT WORSHIP. I find it vast majority of white women are completely turn on by having a man sucking their toes while they are having sex. But I don’t know whether this can be part of list since this is list of things that Asian men are suppose to hate. Unless there are any Asian men who are turned on by the idea of passionately sucking white women’s toes, I think this one also deserve to be part of list.

  23. I don’t know what kind of white girls you’ve been dating,
    I am white and alote of my friends are, i have yet to meet someone like this… but if your only interested in it for the sex, then you probably dont care much

  24. @sarah

    I don’t think none of Asian guys here were sharing their view about white women in here because we are “interested in it for the sex”.(Although I will admit that white women are amazing lover) This blog IS about things Asian men should pretend to like in order to get into bed with white women. This doesn’t indicate that we are only “interested in it for the sex” only. This just have sexual aspects about it.

  25. Bwahahaha…

    When sex is over, you better climb off/out from under me so I can go make myself a sandwich. Yes, I am female. But I’m part Japanese, so…

  26. What the fuck. As an asian guy who’s only been with white women… you’re OFF bud. I don’t even think you can get ANY chick with the advice you just gave.

    Start talking when you actually get laid. These are the reasons why asian guys have bad reps.

  27. Agree with henry. These are terrible generalizations. What kind of white women are you hanging out with? I know Asian girls that would like everything you listed here!

  28. I’m sure alot of people including asian guys like alot of those things..also alot of girls don’t like those things.

    & why would asian guys need to “score” with white women, if you need to do all those things it’s kinda shallow and not real love now isn’t it.

  29. Aside from the organic food one, the rest do not apply to me at all. There you go, teaching those poor Asian guys to go by the stereotype. You really think that all us white women are as stupid and ditzy as you think? This article is offensive and disrespectful. I hope it was meant to be all a simple joke that doesn’t mean anything, otherwise, you are setting these poor guys who are going to take your list as a real life guide to ”scoring” with white chicks for a miserable, hard failure.

  30. I only apply to the last few things don’t know anything about the girls you with XD but yeah i feel for you i only like big dogs lol but omg this was a funny read

  31. 1. Chamomile tea is pretty gross.
    2. Movies based on Jane Austen novels are my worst nightmare since they combine two things I can’t stand: chick flicks and Victorian England.
    3. Gossip Girl is yet another one of those shallow mainstream TV shows I tend to avoid like the plague.
    4. Korean BBQ > organic food
    5. I don’t really see the point of poetry, so sitting in a room to hear it read aloud sounds like hell on earth.
    6. I have yet to lose my virginity, but talking about your feelings after sex just sounds pathetic.
    7. I’m pretty sure carrying around a dog like that is animal cruelty. Besides, German Shepherds don’t fit in bags.
    8. I live in Australia, so I really have no comment on this one.
    9. Never really went through the pony phase as a child.
    10. The mere thought of public sex scares the crap out of me.

  32. #11 should be “Roleplaying as Genghis Khan” … but uh, that just might be a special case for me…

  33. This list is crap, I don’t care for half the stuff on this list. I’m a white chic who loves dating Asian guys, as a matter of fact Asian guys are all I date. The reason being I seem to just get along with them better, and truth be told Asian guys are smarter. I’m not saying all Asian guys, cause I have met some dumb ones, but most. I’m into Asian cultures, mostly Japanese or Korean. I personality find Asian guys more attractive, but that’s just me. The truth is if you are an Asian guy and you wanna date a white girl. Just be yourself and go for it. When it comes to dating it’s a hit or a miss. Just don’t be fake and try to act like you like something when you don’t. Besides if your wanting a true real relationship it’s never good to start out with lies. Honest is the best policy. (^_^)

  34. Sooo i dont really relate with these things except maybe the public sex but thats because i will just want to do you anywhere and everywhere.
    And hell buy me things after great sex? Double win for me. Yes please.

  35. I’m a Caucasian/Hispanic mix. I’ll run through the list here:
    1) YES TO CHAMOMILE TEA (ALL TEA IS AWESOME, REALLY.)
    2) YES TO ANY PERIOD PIECE
    3) GOSSIP GIRL IS RETARDED
    4) ORGANIC FOOD IS TOO HIPSTER/VEGAN REICH
    5) POETRY READINGS ARE TOO HIPSTER/ART-FAGGY
    6) WHO DOESN’T SHARE FEELINGS AFTER SEX?! -_-
    7) ANIMALS GROSS ME OUT, THEIR ANUSES ARE JUST OUT IN THE OPEN SO WHEN THEY SIT DOWN ON YOUR FURNITURE THEY ARE GETTING ANUS JUICE ALL OVER IT. THEY ARE BETTER OFF OWNED BY PEOPLE THAT AREN’T ME.
    8) I’M NOT A LIBERAL, NOR DO I POSSES WHITE GUILT. IT ACTUALLY PISSES ME OFF. I’M ANTI-LIBTARD, ANTI-SOCIALIST JUSTICE WARRIOR, ANTI-FEMINISM. SO WHITE GUILT IS NOT A FACTOR, I’M JUST INTO ASIAN GUYS.
    9) AGAIN ANIMALS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING, THEY ARE CUTE AND CUDDLY AND PRECIOUS TO ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD… AND THEN I HAD A PET FOR A WHILE AND REALIZED ANIMALS ARE TOO DISGUSTING TO BE LIVING IN THE HOUSE WITH HUMANS THAT EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT HYGIENE.
    10) I’M NOT TRYING TO REGISTER AS A SEX OFFENDER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I’M A PRIVATE PERSON WHEN IT COMES TO SEXUAL ACTS INCLUDING FRENCH KISSING, SO PUBLIC SEX IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT ON MY LIST OF SHIT TO DO, EVER.