Once again, I’m back with more advice for my Asian and Asian American brothas who are looking to knock boots with some hot white chick. Sometimes great ecstasy must be preceded by equally great pain. In this case, you may need to pretend to like the things she does; and believe me when I say a lot of the things she likes will be diametrically opposed to your Asian male breeding and nature. But if you want to taste of that sweet white meat, you better get used to liking (or pretending to like) the following:
1. CHAMOMILE TEA
Is there another beverage in existence that’s duller than chamomile tea? (That was a rhetorical question, BTW) Chamomile tea is the liquid equivalent of a 5-hour lecture on “the quantum physics of mathematical theory in 15th century Germanic literature” delivered by some 50-year-old virginal egghead at an Ivy League institution. No wonder people drink this stuff when they want to fall asleep.
2. FILMS BASED ON THE NOVELS OF JANE AUSTEN
Don’t be fooled by the fact that these movies usually star hotties like Anne Hathaway or Keira Knightley. No one gets naked in them, in fact, all the chicks wear corsets and dresses that cover their bodies from their necks all the way down to their feet. These are usually 2+ hour films where the head-strong but socially repressed heroine sits around with other proper British folk in lavish castles, sips chamomile tea and is unable to share her true feelings about the dude she likes because if she did, God forbid, the movie would only be five minutes long. You’ll be praying that Knightley’s character’s great great great grandson will send a terminator from the future to kill everyone so the movie will end already, but alas, your prayers will go unanswered.
3. GOSSIP GIRL
This is the whitest show on TV so you better believe your white woman watches it and will expect you to as well. Unfortunately, scientific studies have proven that if you’re not white, it’s impossible to sit through a whole episode without getting physically ill. But there’s actually no need to watch the show. Whenever your white woman wants to discuss last night’s episode, just say “Can you believe what Blair did to Serena?” or “Can you believe what happened between Chuck and Nate?” or any combination of the above and you’ll be fine.
4. ORGANIC FOOD
5. POETRY READINGS
What’s worse than eating organic food and drinking chamomile tea? Eating organic food and drinking chamomile tea while at a poetry reading! There may be worse things to sit through than a two-hour epic poem recited by a smelly, skirt-wearing white dude in dreds, but I can’t think of any. Well, at least anything that doesn’t involve water boarding or getting your penis chopped off by a machete.
6. SHARING YOUR FEELINGS AFTER SEX
True, Asian chicks want post-coital conversation too. But usually you can shut them up by promising to take them shopping at the Louis Vuitton store in the morning if they’ll just let you sleep in peace. But with white chicks, this strategy could end up backfiring. She may accuse you of thinking she’s materialistic and shallow. Nope, you have no choice but to lay there and listen to her as she talks about her day, the bitch at work she can’t stand, and her hopes and dreams for the future. If you find it difficult to pay attention during her non-stop gabbing, occasionally nod and interject with statements like “you know I’m here for you” or “I feel the same way” or “you go, girl!” and she’ll never know you’ve zoned out.
7. TINY DOGS SHE CAN CARRY AROUND IN HER PURSE
If your white woman is an animal lover, chances are her pet of choice will be one of the breeds of dogs that are small enough to carry around in her purse. And believe me when I say she’ll carry that little bitch with her everywhere she goes. So you better get used to competing with her pooch for her attention. And when you and your white woman are making sweet love and she leaves her doggie bag on the nightstand next to your bed, get use to the sight of her dog glaring back at you with an expression that says “I’m a gonna bust a cap on your ass, motherfucka!”
8. ASIAN AMERICAN STUDIES
If she’s a white chick and she’s dating your ass, you can bet she’s a bleeding heart liberal (or rebelling against her racist, conservative parents a.k.a. she’s going to be a wildcat in bed) and she’ll insist on understanding and learning more about your pain and struggles as an Asian American. So be prepared to dust off those old Maxine Hong Kingston novels and term papers comparing the internment of Japanese Americans to either the Nazi concentration camps or the treatment of Arab Americans after 9/11 depending on how old you are. But the good thing is–you can use her white guilt to your advantage as in “Baby, the weight of 100 years of white oppression is getting too much to bear so I think I need a blow job.”
Horses are to girls what cars are to boys. And if your girl is a white chick, I can guarantee you that she grew up wishing for a pony and still dreams of mounting and riding a magnificent wild stallion—the large, throbbing beast between her legs bobbing up and down as it thrusts forward, rubbing against her sweaty and tingling thighs, sending her into fits of pure bliss unlike anything she’s ever felt before. Wait, hold on a sec…maybe this one isn’t such a bad thing.
10. HAVING SEX IN PUBLIC PLACES
As wild and crazy as you think you are, you’re still an Asian American male and have a lifetime of sexual repression to work through. So when your white woman suggests spicing up your love life and having sex in the park or on the subway or on the bed in the middle of the showroom at Mattress Brothers, you’re just going to have to suck it up and oblige her. But what will be even more disturbing is when your mother calls you a week later to tell you how she found naked internet pictures of you and your white woman going at it on the golf course. Whatever you do, don’t ask your mom why she was doing a google search of your name plus the keywords “fellatio” and “golf balls.” You don’t want to know the answer.